Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Lesson Learned

I am not a Supermom.  I have been trying to bring home the bacon, spend quality time with my family, include some down time for myself, and participate in some fun activities but I feel like I haven't been a success at any one of them.  I feel worn down.  I feel like my heart aches each day to have more time with my family, yet when I do I  am always thinking of what I need to do next.

I have always been good at listening to my heart rather than my brain.  My brain is telling me, "Work these crazy hours a little longer so you can get some debt paid off and pay for a few of the 'extras' you have needed around the house for several years."  My heart is telling me "it just isn't worth it."  While I intended the extra money from my new jobs to go certain places, I am actually spending more money than ever before on gas, clothes, food, etc.  It isn't paying off.  I feel like my heart is not in a happy place and my previous decisions are weighing heavily on me.

In January I was hit with a professional idea that I wanted to pursue and felt extremely excited about.  It was an idea that could have easily been mixed in with my teaching position at the community college.  However, opportunities within Plan B of my idea quickly took over rather than Plan A and I have over committed myself to Plan B, which was never my passion.  I have met some wonderful people and feel I am making a small difference, but at the expense of losing precious time with my family and having time to myself which is a must for my own sanity.

Over the next three weeks to two months many of the commitments I have made will come to an end and I will be scaling back my schedule a lot.  I can't wait!  Each day that I drive from place to place I visualize myself at home with my family and it is all that is keeping me going right now.  Scaling back on my schedule will mean less money, but it will also mean more time at home listening to my children and husband, going places with them, making nutritious meals for them, and having time for myself.  I don't consider the last four months a failure, but more of an opportunity to rediscover who I am right now and accept that person.  I am glad I still have professional aspirations, but right now my focus is still on being a momma and a wife and the schedule I was working before January allowed me to be both.

I think following one's heart is always a good choice, but especially when dealing with an autoimmune disease.  As many of you know, stress can affect how our bodies feel.  Fortunately, my joints have done well with the stress.  Unfortunately, my weight has not.  Since January, I have gained ten pounds that doesn't seem to want to disappear.  I know it is my body's way of telling me I am not being true to my heart.  It is time to listen.  I gave this full time working gig a try and it just isn't the right time.  I only have my kids at home a short time longer and I can't afford to miss out on the connections that are made when I am home with them.  My professional goals will be there when the time is right. Thank you heart for always guiding me.      


  1. You have taught us so much wisdom about listening to your heart. As you know, good decisions are often the hardest ones and many times require sacrifice (such as less money). This will reward you in so many ways and I'll be counting the weeks/days/hours with you until your life opens up again.

  2. I have always been much better at listening to my mind that my heart. Right now, my body is telling me that I'm hopelessly overcommitted and need to scale back. Yet my mind is doing that thing where it says "just one more month and then you can relax." This post made me remember that when this happens, I usually end up getting sick. I need to take the rest of the week off.

    OK, try to take the rest of the week off.

    Thanks for being wise. And for the smack upside the head.

  3. It took me several years to realize what you now see. The key is balance. And often, so often, many forces want to throw us off balance by pushing us, pulling us, in a direction that they want us to enter. I am glad you have realized that your heart is calling you back.

  4. Many years ago, when my children were just babies, my heart ached each day when I left them to go to work.

    I finally left my job, sold most everything we owned (house, car, furniture) and with my bewildered husband in tow, traveled throughout the US for a year.

    At the time, my family and friends thought I was crazy, but it was a decision I've never regretted. And years later my mother confessed her admiration for my ability to shun what society told me to do and live by my heart.

    Take good care of yourself, my friend. Follow your heart and enjoy each moment!

  5. Thanks for all the supportive comments. Reading your words of encouragement warm my heart.

  6. Your posts are always so inspiring, Cathy. You always make me feel like, even if I give something a try and it's not right, I can find a way back to myself as long as I pay attention to what my heart is telling me.

    I'm glad you're making some changes and I hope you soon have the family time and you time that you need.

  7. Cathy, I know you'll find your balance with all this soon. I'm always impressed by how mindful you are about the various, vital aspects of your daily life--your family, your health, your work. Funny how one of them always seems to become heavy and require trimming to get it all back into balance, isn't it?

    Here's wishing you the best as you make the decisions and changes you see best. Sending warmth and hugs your way.

  8. I love the new look of your site Cathy. I guess it's been a while since my last visit, but it's good to see that you are doing so well.

  9. I know they'll all be happy to have you around more!!