Monday, September 22, 2008

Changes are Hard

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy, for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another!" -- Anatole France

I know that many people have blogs devoted totally to RA, unschooling, their family or their passions. I guess for me, I think they are all interwoven......one can't exist without the other, so I blog about everything in one. However, I have discovered recently, that I have had a strong need to discuss my RA. I find it kind of interesting that I need to talk about it more now, as I am healing, than I did in the past. Well, really I shouldn't be surprised. I have always been this way. When I am experiencing a flare-up, I do not like to talk to others about it. It is very private. However, when it is over, I need to discuss it.

Steve sent me the above quote this morning based on some other stuff we talked about this weekend. However, it is perfect for how I am feeling right now. I feel like I have an attachment to RA and can't get past it. I know my body is healing, but it still seems like I am having a difficult time mentally moving into the "new" me that can move with ease, do housework, take walks, sleep without pain, feel happy, etc. Maybe as I am in the healing phase, it is taking time for the old self to die off so the "new and improved" Cathy can step forward.

I have lots of fears which are keeping me in the old life. Each day that I wake up feeling good I wonder, "Is this going to last?" With every pain I experience I wonder, "Is a flareup coming?" I haven't turned the airconditioning off yet because when my body goes from a warm environment to a cool environment, it suffers. I am afraid to find out if my body is strong enough to make it through a warm evening to a cool morning with the windows open, so instead, I just keep the air on so the house is at a constant temperature. This summer, I only swam with the kids a few times because I was fearful that the warmth of the air and pavement compared to the cool pool would tighten up my feet and cause set backs in my improvements.

RA takes a toll on your body physically but also mentally. Each day you wake up fearing what it has in store for you. You worry about the burden you are putting on your family and friends, you worry what it is doing to you financially, you worry about what it is doing to your body..........you worry about so many things!!!!

I think a blog is a reflection of where you are in your life and right now, RA and healing are consuming my life. So, please bear with me as I let go of my fears so that I can enter into the next phase of my life as a rheumatoid arthritis woman who was a success both physically and mentally.