Friday, April 8, 2011

A Rough Week

When I went home to Kansas three weeks ago, it was to say "good-bye" to my dad.  He knew that was why I was there but he wasn't ready to actually say "good-bye".   He still visualized himself outside doing yard work this summer.  In fact, when Steve and Alexander put some outdoor chairs together for him, he said, "If they don't have time, I will get to them later."  That was fine.  Just being with him, holding his hand, and making little jokes with him was enough.  Plus, I know that he wasn't ready to give up the fight at that time and by saying "good-bye" he was giving up. 

Since returning to Illinois, I have felt unbalanced.  I feel angry at everyone and negative about the situations I am in.  I know I am grieving.  I have been waking up in a state of panic since Hospice took over care last week.  All the conversations I have with friends and family seem meaningless unless they are about my dad. 

This week, as things are coming to an end, I have felt so many feelings.  I have tried denying he will be gone so that maybe it won't really happen, I have shed tons of tears, I have shared my feelings and wonderful memories with my family, I have felt extreme panic thinking "the call" is coming any time, and finally today I woke up feeling acceptance. 

There are few people in this world that love us 100% unconditionally.  My dad has definitely been one of those people.  He has made me a better person through his examples of loving others and through his long talks with me.  He has a heart as kind as you could ever imagine.  I am not just saying that because he is my dad either, others outside our family agree.  :)  He has been a constant support through all my ups and downs in life.  It is no wonder I feel such grief. 

"The call" will be coming soon.  The next few weeks and probably months will continue to be hard for my family and me.  When I think about how we will feel, an image of my dad's face and especially his eyes always come into my mind.  I can always feel his true feelings through his eyes.  The image is of him reminding us of how absolutely lucky we are to have each other.  I know he is right.  I also know how absolutely lucky I am to have been loved my entire life by someone as great as my dad.