Friday, April 8, 2011

A Rough Week

When I went home to Kansas three weeks ago, it was to say "good-bye" to my dad.  He knew that was why I was there but he wasn't ready to actually say "good-bye".   He still visualized himself outside doing yard work this summer.  In fact, when Steve and Alexander put some outdoor chairs together for him, he said, "If they don't have time, I will get to them later."  That was fine.  Just being with him, holding his hand, and making little jokes with him was enough.  Plus, I know that he wasn't ready to give up the fight at that time and by saying "good-bye" he was giving up. 

Since returning to Illinois, I have felt unbalanced.  I feel angry at everyone and negative about the situations I am in.  I know I am grieving.  I have been waking up in a state of panic since Hospice took over care last week.  All the conversations I have with friends and family seem meaningless unless they are about my dad. 

This week, as things are coming to an end, I have felt so many feelings.  I have tried denying he will be gone so that maybe it won't really happen, I have shed tons of tears, I have shared my feelings and wonderful memories with my family, I have felt extreme panic thinking "the call" is coming any time, and finally today I woke up feeling acceptance. 

There are few people in this world that love us 100% unconditionally.  My dad has definitely been one of those people.  He has made me a better person through his examples of loving others and through his long talks with me.  He has a heart as kind as you could ever imagine.  I am not just saying that because he is my dad either, others outside our family agree.  :)  He has been a constant support through all my ups and downs in life.  It is no wonder I feel such grief. 

"The call" will be coming soon.  The next few weeks and probably months will continue to be hard for my family and me.  When I think about how we will feel, an image of my dad's face and especially his eyes always come into my mind.  I can always feel his true feelings through his eyes.  The image is of him reminding us of how absolutely lucky we are to have each other.  I know he is right.  I also know how absolutely lucky I am to have been loved my entire life by someone as great as my dad. 


  1. Cathy: This is, indeed, a rough time. If you didn't love each other so much, it wouldn't hurt so bad. You have every right to grieve over such a loss. My thoughts are with you and your family.

  2. Sending you cyber hugs Cathy. I've been there with my dad and your thoughts mirrored my own. Wish we could make it easier for you all. Huuuugggggssss.

  3. Cathy I cannot imagine what you must be going through right now. I am keeping you and your family in my prayers.

  4. Cathy, may you feel God's presence as if He is wrapping His loving arms around you and your family. Someday I will meet your dad and see those eyes when we all have a big party in heaven.

  5. Thanks for the kind words and thoughts of support.

  6. Your Dad sounds like a wonderful, kind and very brave man, Cathy. Thank you for sharing your stories of him with us. I'm thinking of you and your family.