When I went home to Kansas three weeks ago, it was to say "good-bye" to my dad. He knew that was why I was there but he wasn't ready to actually say "good-bye". He still visualized himself outside doing yard work this summer. In fact, when Steve and Alexander put some outdoor chairs together for him, he said, "If they don't have time, I will get to them later." That was fine. Just being with him, holding his hand, and making little jokes with him was enough. Plus, I know that he wasn't ready to give up the fight at that time and by saying "good-bye" he was giving up.
Since returning to Illinois, I have felt unbalanced. I feel angry at everyone and negative about the situations I am in. I know I am grieving. I have been waking up in a state of panic since Hospice took over care last week. All the conversations I have with friends and family seem meaningless unless they are about my dad.
This week, as things are coming to an end, I have felt so many feelings. I have tried denying he will be gone so that maybe it won't really happen, I have shed tons of tears, I have shared my feelings and wonderful memories with my family, I have felt extreme panic thinking "the call" is coming any time, and finally today I woke up feeling acceptance.
There are few people in this world that love us 100% unconditionally. My dad has definitely been one of those people. He has made me a better person through his examples of loving others and through his long talks with me. He has a heart as kind as you could ever imagine. I am not just saying that because he is my dad either, others outside our family agree. :) He has been a constant support through all my ups and downs in life. It is no wonder I feel such grief.
"The call" will be coming soon. The next few weeks and probably months will continue to be hard for my family and me. When I think about how we will feel, an image of my dad's face and especially his eyes always come into my mind. I can always feel his true feelings through his eyes. The image is of him reminding us of how absolutely lucky we are to have each other. I know he is right. I also know how absolutely lucky I am to have been loved my entire life by someone as great as my dad.