I am not a Supermom. I have been trying to bring home the bacon, spend quality time with my family, include some down time for myself, and participate in some fun activities but I feel like I haven't been a success at any one of them. I feel worn down. I feel like my heart aches each day to have more time with my family, yet when I do I am always thinking of what I need to do next.
I have always been good at listening to my heart rather than my brain. My brain is telling me, "Work these crazy hours a little longer so you can get some debt paid off and pay for a few of the 'extras' you have needed around the house for several years." My heart is telling me "it just isn't worth it." While I intended the extra money from my new jobs to go certain places, I am actually spending more money than ever before on gas, clothes, food, etc. It isn't paying off. I feel like my heart is not in a happy place and my previous decisions are weighing heavily on me.
In January I was hit with a professional idea that I wanted to pursue and felt extremely excited about. It was an idea that could have easily been mixed in with my teaching position at the community college. However, opportunities within Plan B of my idea quickly took over rather than Plan A and I have over committed myself to Plan B, which was never my passion. I have met some wonderful people and feel I am making a small difference, but at the expense of losing precious time with my family and having time to myself which is a must for my own sanity.
Over the next three weeks to two months many of the commitments I have made will come to an end and I will be scaling back my schedule a lot. I can't wait! Each day that I drive from place to place I visualize myself at home with my family and it is all that is keeping me going right now. Scaling back on my schedule will mean less money, but it will also mean more time at home listening to my children and husband, going places with them, making nutritious meals for them, and having time for myself. I don't consider the last four months a failure, but more of an opportunity to rediscover who I am right now and accept that person. I am glad I still have professional aspirations, but right now my focus is still on being a momma and a wife and the schedule I was working before January allowed me to be both.
I think following one's heart is always a good choice, but especially when dealing with an autoimmune disease. As many of you know, stress can affect how our bodies feel. Fortunately, my joints have done well with the stress. Unfortunately, my weight has not. Since January, I have gained ten pounds that doesn't seem to want to disappear. I know it is my body's way of telling me I am not being true to my heart. It is time to listen. I gave this full time working gig a try and it just isn't the right time. I only have my kids at home a short time longer and I can't afford to miss out on the connections that are made when I am home with them. My professional goals will be there when the time is right. Thank you heart for always guiding me.