Sneaking in Happiness

I bought these flowers for myself on Tuesday.  I was feeling down and needed a visual reminder that life is beautiful.  Tuesday marked the one year anniversary of my dad dying and it hit me harder than I imagined it would.  In addition, my mom had knee replacement surgery and my husband hasn't been feeling well which worries me.  Plus, I have over-scheduled myself by A LOT.  I know this schedule will eventually be reduced, but for now I don't feel like myself.  I feel like I am living in a cloud that is waiting to be free to live a more simple life once again.

While the flowers were intended to be a reminder of the simple beauty in life, they have actually proved to be a reminder of so much more.  As I have watched the petals slowly open up these last few days, they have been a reminder to slow down and enjoy the present moment.  I have found that by simply walking past this vase of flowers, I am reminded to take a deep breath and let it out.  The flowers have somehow reminded me to smile and focus on what is really important to me in my life - my family.

On Tuesday evening when I returned home late from a day of teaching and tutoring, I danced in the kitchen with Sophia.  Last night I laid in bed talking to her until my eyes could no longer stay open.  Spending time with her reminds me to laugh and talking with her reminds me of lessons I sometimes forget.  My almost 14 year old daughter is very wise in her understanding of relationships and reminded me last night that we always need to look beyond what we initially see in a person because a lot more is going on in the background.  Yesterday afternoon I had a great conversation with Alexander which took my mind to another place besides commitments.  Each night when I get home from work he asks me how work went that evening.  I love that he cares and is interested.  I also love sharing little tidbits of my life away from home with him.  And my sweet husband, who I don't see near enough of, spent some time at work the other day instant messaging with me when he knew I was sad.  He was able to sum up how I am feeling exactly.  I love that he knows me so well and I am glad that I put my phone away before bed and laid in his arms several nights ago rather than once again checking my emails.

My life right now is chaotic and overall I feel worn down and stressed which is not a feeling that wears well on me.  Sneaking in a little happiness though, makes a huge difference.  It lets me focus on what is still most important to me and gives me the energy to complete the responsibilities I have committed to.

Change is Good

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.
Anatole France

Last summer I had experienced almost one year of feeling physically good.  The relief from constant pain and stiffness in my joints allowed me to take a good look at my life.  What I saw was that my kids and I weren't moving forward as I had hoped we would on our homeschooling journey and in some of our friendships.  In fact, I felt our current situation was draining us and preventing us from moving forward. I knew that I now had the energy to make some changes, but the changes would be hard.

Anytime we leave friendships, groups, and responsibilities that have been a part of our lives for a long period of time, it is difficult, even if you know they are no longer nourishing who you are and who you want to become. By moving forward I knew I would lose some of the friendships I had truly enjoyed years earlier.  I knew I would be leaving a group that had given us so much in the past and that the three of us loved having a part in creating, but that no longer served our needs.  I knew that moving forward would mean I didn't know what lay ahead for us and that was the scary part for all three of us.

Out of desperation for change, I made the decision, with the help of my kids and husband to move forward and away from the friendships, groups, and responsibilities we had held dear to us for many years.  I also stood up for myself at a school I didn't like teaching at and was not asked back in January.  I could no longer breath in these situations.  They were holding me down and not allowing me to move forward and find the next path I was meant to follow.  They were not allowing me to find the new ME. I felt scared not knowing where this path was going to take my kids or me but I knew it had to happen.  Luckily, my kids did too.  

I experienced a couple of lonely months trying to figure out where I belonged and how I was to find my next life path.   Despite the loneliness, I knew I had made the right choice. A heaviness I had felt for some time felt lifted from my body and my heart. I knew that I had to let go of my past in order to allow new things to come into my life.  

The last few weeks have been extremely busy for me and I sometimes find it hard to catch my breath.  I am trying to find the balance of how to include all the good that has come my way since leaving my past behind.

• To replace the income lost from the school I was not asked back to, I began private tutoring while continuing to teach two classes at the community college where I have been for over ten years.  I love it!!!  It feels like I am finally helping my students in a way that I could never do in the classroom.  I have time to invest in lessons that are very individualized and the results are amazing. 
• I was asked to be a board member for Show Us Your Hands!  This project and the people involved bring so much positive to my life.  
• My family is moving ahead and finding their own paths.  My husband became manager of his group about six months ago and he is finding his own strengths and strengthening his weaknesses.  He has a very unique way about himself and it gives me pride to see him succeed by being who he is.  Sophia has decided to go to high school next year which means the end of her homeschooling experience.  I am excited for her.  Her education has always been in her hands and this is 100% her decision.  Alexander is considering part-time high school but only if it works within his terms.  I love that he knows he has options.  Both kids are busy finding out who they are as teenagers and while it can sometimes be exhausting for me, it is also amazingly exciting.  I sometimes feel helpless not knowing how to help them find their path but I also know that they will.  They are such great kids.  I don't know how I got so lucky having the two of them.  
• I have been asked to participate in a couple of other adventures that I am considering down the line and I have other ideas that I want to explore professionally, when I have time.  Also, I have an idea for a book that I would love to dive into, but now isn't the time because really, I have no time.

I have always been a positive person.  It seems to be my nature.  I like to see the sunny side of life and it has benefited me well.  I struggled for a long time knowing that I was in several situations that no longer nourished me but not knowing how to get out of them.  Finally letting go has opened up so much space in my life for what I need now.  The new experiences and challenges are the ME now and it feels right.  Life feels good.  

 

The Interruptions of Life

I love jumping into a bed that has been made, even if I have to make it five minutes before bedtime.  When my kids when younger, making the bed was always a slow process.  They would see me making the bed and jump onto the bed requesting I either wrestle with them or throw pillows on them and wrap them in a blanket as if they were a hotdog.  Now, the kids will often help me make my bed but we have sweet Izzy to deal with.  As soon as I start making the bed she runs up the stairs and jumps on the bed looking for a little petting.  If I attempt to get her off the bed, she thinks I want to play with her and gets a little crazy.

It is times like this that I remind myself that one day our house will be quiet.  Alexander and Sophia will have moved on and out of the house and Izzy will have left this world.  These are the good times.  The inconveniences that come with life are really the things that make life worth living.  Stopping to enjoy these little interruptions are the very things that make me happy.

I Fail as a Woman Shopper

There are days I feel that I fail as a woman.  Yesterday was one of those days.  Alexander and Sophia wanted to go to the mall to do some shopping for their dad and friends.  I HATE shopping and I especially HATE shopping at the mall.  I have always been this way, but it has intensified over the years. 

We left the house feeling happy and I reminded myself over and over to just relax and enjoy the moment.  Sophia loves to shop and she wants me to experience it with her.  How awesome is that?  The first hour went well and I think we were all enjoying ourselves.  I don't know what happened after that first hour but something snapped in me and I just couldn't handle being in the mall any longer.  Maybe it was the bright lights or maybe it was the loud music that changed from store to store, or maybe it was that after an hour it seemed like we were walking in circles not sure where to go next. It could have even been the constant badgering by the kiosk workers to buy their products.  (Alexander said, "Mom, think of them as bums in Chicago.  Just look straight ahead and keep walking.")  Anyhow, I felt completely worn out and claustrophobic.  I hate these moments because all I want to do is get out of the mall.  It doesn't help to remind myself to calm down and enjoy the moment because my need to escape becomes stronger than any other need. I am no longer any help to Sophia and she really wanted my input. 

Why, oh why, can't I be a woman that loves shopping or at least a woman that can tolerate more than an hour at the mall? I want to enjoy these moments with my daughter and not turn it into a situation about myself. I say this knowing I have to return to the mall one more time this week.  AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Please let it go quickly!

Quiet Thanksgiving Weekend - Just What This Introvert Craves

Long ago I came to the happy realization that I am an introvert.  Once I accepted this about myself, I started respecting the needs that come with being an introvert.  Although I love people, they exhaust me.  I find that I get my energy from being at home reading, taking walks, or hanging out with my family.  This weekend provided exactly what this introvert needed.  I am now revived and ready to tackle a busy week full of people.  

A delicious grain free meal prepared by the three of us.

Steve doing his manly job of slicing the turkey. 

Alexander has helped Steve put up the tree since he could stand.  It is so fun to see him now.

Sophia's ornament for this year is a s'mores inside a sleeping bag to represent her week long camping trip.

Alexander received a license plate with his name since this was the year of learning to drive.

Enjoyed some time alone with Sophia decorating for Christmas.

Alexander putting up his collection of ornaments.  Great memories.

On Friday night we went to our town's Christmas tree lighting.

The big guy that makes all these wonderful memories possible!

It feels good to be me!

Returning to the Family Table

Eating together at the kitchen table is something that has always been important to me.  It was the way I was raised and the way I wanted to raise my kids.  When the kids were very little, I often sat one or the other on my lap as Steve and I ate so they could be included in this daily routine together.  As they were able to sit alone comfortably, I sat them in the highchair and scooted it to the table where they could sit with us, even if it meant they were playing with toys while we ate.  Enjoying a meal together each day at the table continued to be a routine of my family.  It brought us together each and every day when my husband got home from work so that we could share our stories.   

When my rheumatoid arthritis got really bad starting in 2008, eating at the table stopped.  During that time from 2008-2010 when the pain was extreme, I admit that I often just wanted to "check-out".  After making dinner for my family, I didn't have the energy to make conversation or even to listen attentively.  Sitting in front of the TV was easier for me and became our new routine.  It didn't help that I was gone four evenings out of the week working and generally ate alone before heading out, something I don't really enjoy.

This week I am on break from work which means I am home with everyone in the evenings.  This also means dinner at the table.  I found myself getting quite excited about dinner and the holidays last night as I placed the flowering plant that Alexander and I picked out yesterday while grocery shopping on the table. I felt ready for everyone to come eat the meal I had prepared as I sat out Thanksgiving napkins sewn by the kids many years ago and arranged the Pilgrims my mom painted for me before I even had kids, but that have become a tradition of Thanksgiving at our house.  I even went as far as to put out candles and put on music.  It was nice having each of us together listening and talking.  This week will be the beginnings of something wonderful that was set in place years and years ago.  I am happy to return to the family table.      

How We Look May Be Different Than How We Feel

Yesterday’s post was titled 115/36/44.  These numbers were used to share my weight when I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, my age when I was diagnosed, and my current age.  Bloggers used these numbers yesterday to hopefully dispel the common misconception that AUTOIMMUNE arthritis - Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA), Psoriatic Arthritis (PsA), Ankylosing Spondylitis (AS), Sjogren's Syndrome (SS), Systemic Lupus Erythematosis (SLE), Still's Disease, Juvenile Arthritis (JA), Mixed and Undifferentiated Connective Tissue Diseases (MCTD/UCTD) is brought on by being overweight or elderly.   As you can see from my weight, I was not overweight when I was diagnosed.  In fact, I felt very frustrated when I was first diagnosed because everything I read mentioned eating a healthy standard American diet of whole grains which I was doing at the time, losing weight (I didn’t need to lose weight), and exercising more.  I was already working out 4-5 times a week plus I was the mother of two young kids and working part-time.   How much more exercise did I need?  I also wasn’t elderly.  At 36, I felt vibrant and alive.  

Rheumatoid Arthritis is often misunderstood even by those who are close to us.  How can we look fine and still have a disease?  How can we continue with everyday life and really be in as much pain as we say we are?  Rheumatoid arthritis and other types of autoimmune arthritis are a challenge even for those of us who live with it. The intensity of our symptoms vary from day to day and sometimes even from hour to hour.  Sometimes we feel completely like our old selves and other days like we have aged 30-40 years overnight.  It makes planning and living your life a challenge because you never know what the day will hold for you.  An example of this was yesterday.  I woke up and worked out with my husband.  I then took a two mile walk with my border collie.  I felt great.  By the time I made it to my first teaching job of the day at 9:00am, my feet were on fire.  Walking felt like I had rocks under my feet and when I stood still at the board, the pain shot right through every part of my feet.  By the time I made it to my second teaching gig that evening, my legs felt like they had added 20 pounds to them.  It was difficult to stand for long periods.  Did anyone know?  Of course not.  I mentioned it to my husband, but that was it.  Rather than whining about it, I prefer to release the pain  as much as possible through laughter. I laugh as much as I can.  It is amazing how much laughter quiets the mind of the pain you are experiencing.   

We each have things going on in our lives - stress at work, divorce, health, money, etc, etc.  Although it is frustrating for me when friends obviously have no idea what rheumatoid arthritis is even after seeing me go through some of my worst flares, I don't feel upset with them.  I know that unless you are dealing with a certain situation yourself, it is difficult to understand what it is really like to go through it.    My daughter recently shared a wonderful message that she herself learned at camp and that I am trying to incorporate into my own life more.  She said, “I need to be nicer to people because they might look like everything is fine, but then you find out there is a lot more going on inside.”  I think if we could each incorporate this wonderful lesson into our lives, we wouldn’t need to have World Arthritis Day or any other day of awareness because it wouldn’t matter what is going on in the lives of those around us if we were all a little more patient and understanding with what might be going on with people that doesn’t always show on the outside.    

Searching for the Next Path of Our Educational Journey

On Monday, Sophia and I visited a Waldorf school in the city.  Wow!  It is a dream school.  My first impression was good as we walked through the door and immediately Sophia was addressed as the person who had the appointment rather than me.  Since Sophia is the one who researched and discovered the school and made the appointment as well as all email correspondence, I was so happy that she was respected as the person driving this interview.

Right off I also felt a sense of community and peace with this school.  I have been somewhat familiar with Waldorf philosophy, but sitting there with the admissions adviser, I felt a sense of love and care would be given to my daughter if she attended.

The adviser talked a little about the school but also wanted to know about Sophia and her background.  It truly makes me giddy to hear Sophia talk about her background.  She knows herself so well.  At first she struggled a bit in regards to explaining how she spends her days, but then shared how she isn't someone that likes to repeat activities.  She likes to experience a lot of different things and then move on to the next experience.  This is exactly as I have always seen her too!

During the high school years the school offers a more stringent curriculum which Sophia is actually looking forward to, while also providing lots of fine arts and travel which is an environment Sophia would no doubt thrive in.

However, there are disadvantages.   This dream school comes with a hefty price tag.  Even if we qualified for the largest amount of financial aid, it is still out of our league.  Also, the commute would be awful.  Sophia would have to take two different trains to get there with a commute of almost two hours each way.  Plus, Sophia seems to want a potentially larger group of people to interact with.  

Yesterday was only one day of the journey towards finding what Sophia wants and needs to fulfill her life learning journey.  It gave us an idea of what choices are out there and also provided us with a lot of ideas we hadn't thought of before that we can start working on this year as she continues to live life at home.  Overall, a great experience, but the search continues.  

Parenting Choices and RA: Extended Nursing and Medication

Breastfeeding is one of the greatest gifts I have given to my two children and myself.   It is a gift that has benefits far beyond providing nourishment to an infant/toddler.  It is a gift that bonded us early, kept us bonded during growing spurts, provided safety and calm during difficult transitions, plus numerous other benefits that I will forever be grateful for.

Nursing didn't come easy for me with my first child.  I had to work at it, but once the two of us figured it out together, it wasn't something we were about to give up quickly.  Luckily for me, I was introduced to La Leche League during my first few weeks of nursing.  The lessons I learned from this group of nursing moms forever changed my outlook on parenting and health.  I felt empowered to follow my heart when it came to my children in all aspects of their lives.  As the person who knows them best, I learned I had earned that right to make decisions that felt right to me, rather than what society or even "professionals" felt was right for them.  The closeness we experienced together through nursing gave me a unique look into their lives.  The empowerment I learned through nursing my children continued into the decisions I would later have to make about my own health with rheumatoid arthritis.

To read more, visit my contributing post at MyRACentral.

Q101.1 Last Day: Meeting Electra

Sophia, Electra, and Alexander

On Wednesday Alexander and Sophia asked if we could go to the Q101.1 alternative rock radio station and peek in on their last day of broadcasting.  Sure, why not? This is the radio station we have been listening to since we moved to the Chicago area 13 years ago from Kansas.  We got up Thursday, took the train downtown, walked over a mile to the Merchandise Mart, and peeked in on Electra, the midday host all three of us generally listen to together in the car.

Zandy reading on the train

It was fun.  Once we got there and waved to Electra through the window, we weren't sure what to do next.   Along with another group of teens, we decided to wait an hour and see if she would come out and meet the kids that were waiting for her.  She did!  She gave all the girls a hug and shook hands with all the boys.  My kids were so excited.  

We walked the mile back to the train, grabbed some food to eat on the train, and headed home so the kids could attend a Harry Potter party and then attend the midnight release of the movie with friends.  While they were busy with friends, I had a date night with Steve. It was a long fun day for all of us.  I am so happy that my body is finally healthy enough to make these memories possible.    

Rules of Writing Learned, But Not Taught

I find it very interesting how my 13 year old daughter will stand over my shoulder when I am typing emails or instant messaging and correct my spelling and punctuation. As an unschooler who has always followed a child led education, she has never had one lesson on spelling or punctuation in her life, but is an excellent speller and knows exactly where and when to use punctuation.  (More so than mom I guess.)  Unschooling really does work. Trust your kids to learn and amazing things do happen.

Updating From a Little Girl to a Teen

The color is called "high drama". 
I hope that is not an  indication
 of how we will spend the teen years.

Sophia will turn 13 on Thursday!  For her birthday this year, she asked if we could update her bedroom that was painted pink and green when she was five years old to something that reflects who she is now.  Over the weekend she and I, with a little help from Alexander and Steve with the very manly things, painted her bedroom.  It was so fun!  She always tends to amaze me with how focused and determined she can be.  She wanted to do a nice job and kept a watchful eye out for me that I played my part in doing a good job too. 

We completed three walls in red and one wall in white with black trim yesterday evening.  Everything is in place and it is exactly what she wanted.  Yay!  She described her room as "a little bit hippy and a little bit modern."  I loved that this birthday gift was one that she and I could share together.  As she develops her own distinct thoughts and opinions, we do tend to butt heads at times, but in the end we always seem to enjoy each other's company.  I am glad that at 13 she still values my opinion and WANTS me to share in these experiences because they definitely leave my heart feeling happy.

Getting Away for An Afternoon

Sometimes getting away from the normal day to day activities and spending time in nature can do wonders for your soul. Yesterday morning Sophia's babysitting job for the day was cancelled and we took advantage of the extra time by heading out to Matthiessen State Park for the afternoon.

I think we must feel drawn to nature because of the many gifts it gives back to us by just spending a little time with it. Below are some gifts we received yesterday from an afternoon spent with nature.

It allowed us to stop and breathe in the beauty of our surroundings.  It also allowed the kids time to question so much about nature.  The day was full of questions of "why?" and "how?"  I wish I was full of all the answers as they ask them because they are never as much fun to go research later.

It brought out a physical, kid like, behavior in all of us.


Our border collie Izzy challenged me to a run down these stairs.

Mmm.....a mud bath.

Sophia and her love of tree trunks.

Sophia has always needed to go just a little further, never wanting to miss anything. 



Izzy thought we should explore each and every path.  How could I resist?

Is there anything more fun than jumping from rock to rock?



Exploring.....the ultimate fun of being a kid or even letting yourself be a kid again.

At first you try to keep those shoes dry, but finally the water is just too hard to resist.

Using muscles and flexibility for no other reason than it is fun!

And it gives us quiet time to talk and share with our family. 

One thing we didn't expect yesterday was the mosquitoes. We actually left a little earlier than planned because we were so uncomfortable. But, I guess that is nature too, right?

Barefooting/Vibram Five Fingers for Rheumatoid Arthritis Feet

A while back a chiropractor I was seeing suggested I go barefoot as often as possible to help the pain in my feet caused by rheumatoid arthritis. (Even with my improved health I have only one pair of shoes I can wear regularly that don't kill the balls of my feet.) His belief was that as the pain in our feet worsens with RA, we tend to rely more on shoes with a lot of support and the muscles in our feet become weak.

I grew up with a caring father that didn't appreciate barefooting. I can only really remember a few times of being barefoot as we were always reminded to put our shoes on before leaving the house to make sure we didn't step on something and hurt our feet. I have to admit that I have tried to enforce similar rules on my own children. Sophia, however, has never bought it. She has always loved being barefoot. She has a special way of showing her true feelings through her facial expressions and I have observed over the years a true love for having her feet touch the earth. There is almost something magical to being outdoors and having her feet experience the different sensations. So, between my chiropractor's advice and my observations of Sophia, I decided to do some research and found lots of exciting information out there about a growing movement towards barefooting. This article and many others like it shared the benefits that can come from barefooting:
• The introduction of the elevated heel and the pointed toe marked the beginning of modern foot disabilities. Children left to go barefoot more often had less toe deformity, greater ability to spread toes (this sounds glorious) and denser muscles on the bottoms of their feet.
• Keeps feet from getting lazy.
• Fights varicose veins.
• It is more relaxing.
• Greater amount of Chi can be absorbed.

While I have been researching barefooting benefits, I have also been moving away from wearing slippers in the house this fall/winter and working out barefoot as a way to slowly prepare my feet for this spring and summer when I plan to dive into minimalist shoe wearing/barefooting on walks with Izzy and when we hike. As always when I research something, everyone in my family has to hear all the details of my excitement. What a nice surprise for me on Christmas morning to unwrap a pair of brown Vibram Five Fingers without even asking for them. Someone is obviously listening to me.

There are a ton of reviews out there on Vibram Five Fingers, a minimalist shoe that fits your feet like a glove, but I couldn't find anything about how they work with RA feet. Here is what I have to say so far:
Pros:
• Once my feet are in the shoes, I have absolutely no pain in the balls of my feet. (I can’t wear regular tennis shoes at all. They kill my feet from the moment I put them on and continually get worse as I wear them.)
• These shoes are super lightweight.
• I have worked out in them twice. My feet experienced some swelling, but these shoes allowed for the changes and there was no pain at the end of my workout.
• I wore these shoes all day at home where I am getting a good feel for them. At the end of the day, no shooting pain when I took them off. This is huge!
• The KSOTrek pair can be worn with toe socks for extra warmth.
• Although these shoes look a little wacky and I plan to only wear them for walks/hikes, I can see how they will be so comfortable that I won’t want to wear other shoes.

Cons:
• They are initially a challenge to get on the feet. I especially had a difficult time working my baby toe into the toe slot and wonder how other folks with more deformities in their feet would do with these shoes.
• During a flare in my hands or shoulders, there is no way I would have the energy to put these shoes on.
• The Trek version of Vibram Five Fingers that I have can be worn with socks (Steve bought me Injinji socks) as I mentioned in the "pros". However, with poor circulation that causes my feet to become extremely cold even with a regular pair of socks under wool socks and insulated boots, there is no way I will be able to wear these outside until it warms up.

As I continue wearing the Vibram Five Fingers and transitioning into more barefoot walking, I will do some updates to let you know how it is going. In the meantime, here is a great video to watch on barefooting put out by Harvard Professor Daniel Lierberman, who is known for his research on barefoot running.

Making Christmas Ornaments

All of my shopping is done except going out tomorrow to buy food for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.  I am on a one month break from work.  Homeschool group doesn't meet for two weeks.  Today begins the first of my relaxing days.  I feel the spirit of Christmas filling me as I begin to appreciate these quiet moments. 

Every year since the kids were little I have given them a Christmas ornament that represents something they were interested in during that year.  This year life got crazy and I didn't have anything the day we put up our Christmas tree which traditionally is when I give them to the kids.  Over the weekend I shared with Steve my ideas for their ornaments this year and how I planned to make them.  He suggested I go out and look around for something or see if I could have something delivered in time rather than burden myself with making them. 

This project isn't a burden.  All week I have been looking forward to this morning when I would have several hours before the kids woke up to roll clay around in my hands.  I have looked forward to creating something special for them that I know they will treasure for many years. 

This morning I spent about two hours creating the ornaments.  For Sophia I made a guitar out of Sculpey clay.  This year she bought a Taylor guitar and has been taking lessons with Steve.  He is really impressed with her abilities.  He has taught guitar to many kids her age and said she is the first one that really just seemed to have a natural ability for it.  I guess she takes after her daddy.   For Alexander I created an Animal Farm ornament.  This year has been amazing for him.  He constantly has a book with him and loves to share the details of the books he reads. This year I have seen a change in how he thinks.  He has become more opinionated and questioning.  It is fun seeing his mind evolve as he seeks to find answers.  I love his enthusiasm.  In fact, I started rereading 1984 (I haven't read it since college) based on his morning descriptions of the book.  I think they are going to love their ornaments.  (Sorry, no pictures because they are sitting in the oven right now since Alexander woke up just as they finished up.)

The ornaments were a way to relax this morning.  To not be in a hurry.  To quiet my mind.  Also, they were a great way to work my fingers.  I have continued to do my hand exercises since completing physical therapy but have not yet been able to make a complete fist.  I am getting closer and my physical therapist recommended doing crafts like this to work the fingers, so hopefully it helps.   

As many of you finish up your shopping this week and begin Christmas preparations, I wish you good health, happy joints, and wonderful memories.  

Regrets About My Degree? No Way!

Yesterday Sophia asked me, "Do you ever have regrets that you went to college for education?"  My immediate response was, "No."  She went on, "You never wish you had done something else or wondered about what another job would be like?"  Again my answer was "No."

When I set out for college at 18 years old I knew I wanted to be an elementary teacher.  I totally absorbed myself in my education classes and couldn't wait to have a classroom of my own.  For five years I taught fifth grade full time and then for two years I taught part time (Alexander was born and Steve and I had opposite schedules so one of us could be with him) in elementary and middle school teaching ESL.  I loved it.  Everyday was different.

I took a break from teaching when Sophia was born and we moved from Kansas to Illinois.  For the last nine years I have been teaching adult ESL part-time and I have to say it is by far my favorite age of students.  I love creating lessons, delivering lessons, and interacting with students who realize it is a privilege to be educated.  I love that with adults I can do what I love without having to deal with potty breaks, discipline, or a strict curriculum.  My job has always felt more like a hobby to me!  It feels like me. 

At the end of every quad we have a party to celebrate the hard work the students have accomplished.  As my morning class was planning the party on Tuesday, I volunteered to bring something.  One of my students said, "No teacher, this is a celebration of YOU."  Wow!  That really warmed my heart.  While I have been thinking we were celebrating them, they were thinking we were celebrating what I gave to them.  Oh my, the food was incredible.  We had the most delicious seasoned pork, Puerto rican rice, tamales, a shrimp salad, jellos, and lots of flan. (Yes, all diet restrictions are ignored for these parties.  I am not about to reject these gifts from my students.)

As each student left yesterday, I was received with hugs from each and every one of them along with a "Thank you Teacher."  From some I also received, "I love you Teacher."  I also received other gifts (gift card, candy, homemade flan, candle) and nice cards.  Many of them asked if there was any chance I could move up with them next semester.  I have done that on a few occasions, but over the years I have learned that each new set of students quickly becomes my favorites so I might as well start enjoying them. 

My answer to Sophia is a solid answer.  I love what I do!  When I teach my students, I leave each and every class feeling that as much as I gave, I received that much more.  Saying that, this semester has been exhausting. I took on an additional ten hours of teaching this quad and I am looking forward to a month long vacation.  My family has missed me and I feel the same way.  January 18 will be here soon enough and again I will be ready to meet all the wonderful loving people out there who work so hard to learn English while also maintaining jobs and families.   

  

Living Simply Brings Happiness

One morning early last week I was walking Izzy when I realized that with each step I took, there was a little hop.  I felt almost like I was as light as a feather hoping along our walking path with a great big smile that came from nowhere.  The next day it was the same.  The day after the same again.  This wonderful  feeling stayed with me all day as I traveled to work, to the grocery store, as I cooked, as I cleaned the house, to homeschool group, and back to work. Even at the end of the day I realized I was still smiling.  What I was experiencing  was a feeling of complete happiness.

My schedule has been busier the last month than ever before.  When I get home at night, I can't wait to jump into bed and fall asleep.  Yet, I feel happier than I can ever remember.  Why?  My guess is that even though  my hands are extremely full right now, I have simplified my life to include the things that really mean the very most to me. 

• Work:  I am working a lot of hours (for me anyhow).  But I love my two jobs!  Both jobs are as adjunct faculty teaching adult English as a Second Language and although I get paid for my job, I leave each class feeling like I have given something to my students and they have given something to me.  They each leave class saying, "Thank you Teacher."  One day we had about ten minutes left of class time so I stood at the door and asked each one of them a different question as they left.  The next day they wanted it again.  Teaching makes me feel creative and dramatic.  Getting up in front of a classroom of limited English speakers requires me to come outside of my usual quiet personality into a personality of drama and fun.  I love being this other person!    
• Food:  I am eating very simply.  I am purchasing my meat (beef, chicken, pork, lamb, and eggs) from a farmer that has been providing for us for eight years now.  We have seen his family go through some ups and downs, but they have always been there for us.  I like having this relationship with the people that provide the foods I eat.  We are eating veggies that are organic (and local if possible).    That's about it. We add some good fats to our foods and the kids eat some fruits. Very simple, yet delicious.  My body is responding well to these foods.  It doesn't overeat because without the grains (even gluten free) my body knows when it is full and it listens.  
• Sleep: I am not getting as much sleep as I have in the past, but I make it a priority to get to bed as early as I can.  My body likes that I am caring for it this way.  Sleep is so important in healing.
• Responsibilities:  I took a close look at the list of things I am responsible for and got rid of the ones that weren't nourishing my family and me anymore.  I am so proud of myself!  People have taken over and done such an amazing job!  It is nice to think we have to do it all ourselves, but really, we don't.  We just have to give up the control and realize things will go in the direction they were meant to go.  I am also saying "no" to things that add stress to my life, even if it means disappointing people.
• Exercise:  I am exercising more than I have in years.  Each morning I get up with Steve and we work out together.  This time is probably the one thing that has made a huge difference in how I feel.  I love having time together in the morning to see each other grow stronger, to laugh, and to give little hugs during breaks. When schedules get busy it is very easy for couples to slip into conversations that focus only on the necessary day to day things.  I am glad we have carved this time out together.  Afterwards, I take Izzy for a walk where I get to experience the gifts that nature gives each day: cold, rain, wind, and heat.  It sets the stage for the rest of the day physically and mentally.
• Family:  Even though my schedule has been really busy, I have found new pockets of time to spend individually with each member of my family that wasn't planned.  With me being away from home more, they each need that one on one time with me to reconnect.  I need it too.
• Friends:  I have been connecting with a few friends that I have known for many years on a whole new level.  I like knowing more about them and that I get to share me with them.   
• Rheumatoid arthritis:  RA is taking a backseat in my life right now.  It sneaks in every week with a new nodule in the wrist, swollen wrist and fingers, or a limp caused by swelling in the knee.  But, overall, it is allowing me this time to experience true happiness.  Thanks RA! 

There have been times when life brings events that get me down and at my worst with rheumatoid arthritis I have felt some depression, but overall I am usually happy.  What I am experiencing now is a whole new level of happiness. I feel it radiating from me. I have focused on the simplest things that give us nourishment and energy: food, sleep, exercise and family/community.  I have llet the other things go to the sidelines. I have been searching for many years for new "alternative" types of medicine, but what makes me feel the happiest and most content is just the very simple things in life. 

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.  I am so thankful that you read my thoughts here on my blog and that many of you share comments with me.  I love reading them.    

Thankful that My Daughter Notices My RA Progress

Last night I was upstairs in my bedroom and remembered something I left in the laundry room.  Down the stairs I went.  I retrieved what I forgot and ran back up the stairs to my bedroom.  Sophia was upstairs and said, "You were really fast on the stairs.  I thought it was Alexander because you ran as fast up the stairs as we do.  Are your knees better?......  That makes me happy. "  Oh, yeah!  That is what I like to hear.  Comments like that from my 12 year old daughter are like music to my ears. 

I am doing better.  I have so much energy.  Some mornings I have flares, but they aren't the scary ones.  When they come I know they are here just as a reminder that rheumatoid arthritis is still a part of me and they will be on their way again soon. 

Two weeks ago when the flare was in my left knee (it really likes that left knee), I was limping.  Sophia, who has seen me go through flares so many times right away tried to give me the pep talk, "Don't worry.  You are doing better than before.  Remember you have a lot of good days."  I stopped her with a smile and said, "It's okay.  I realize these little flares will probably be with me off and on my whole life.  I can handle these because most days now, I feel energetic and I am able to do just about anything I want."  It is true.  My whole outlook seems to be different because overall I just feel different.   I feel light and happy and for the most part, pain free!