Four Years of Finding the True Me

On May 31, 2008 I wrote my first post for The Life and Adventures of Cateepoo.  At the time, I had no idea if anyone would ever read a word I wrote but I felt a strong need to put my thoughts into writing.  As I reread my first blog post, I felt tears swell as I remembered the woman I was and reflected on the woman I am today. The core of me is the same, but so much growth has occurred over the years. Here's my first post:

There have been two things I have done in the last four and a half years that I put a lot of thought into and still made a decision I wasn't completely comfortable with. I felt both decisions were going against who I really am. However, I thoughtfully made the decisions and now I am in the process of reversing those decisions.  


The first decision was made over four years ago when I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. Everything in me told me that the medications they wanted me to start on were not in my best interest. However, I was new to the alternative health world and the fear in not taking the meds took over. Within six months of being diagnosed, I saw my body go from stiff fingers in the morning to barely being able to get out of bed by myself . This wasn't the type of life I wanted for myself. It didn't feel like "me". So, I started on the meds even though they didn't feel like me either. I have been on meds for over four years now. In February, I made the choice to go off all meds!


Two years ago, in the midst of trying to find a sexier me, I decided to start coloring my hair. I was fairly comfortable with the grays that have been coming in since I was 16, but all the sudden the grays seemed wiry and out of control. I decided to just go for it and pay the consequences later. Well, I have to admit, I do like the coloring job my hair stylist does. However, every eight weeks when it is time to go for a touch-up, I see those grays coming through and think, "Oh, there I am." It feels like I keep covering up a part of who I am. A good friend of mine said, "You have earned those grays." I do believe that and I am on the road to finding my grays again! I cancelled my appointment for today and I am letting the natural me come back.


It feels liberating to be off meds (even if the alternative stuff isn't working yet) and to know that in the next year or so, I will be totally hair color free again!!! Please join me as I continue my quest for a healthy body that heals with natural herbs, vitamins and homeopathy and as I find peace with the hair I have earned.
Catepoo


The last four years have been all about discovering who I am and which decisions are right for me.  I have learned that although I share a similar disease with many wonderful people, the path I take is very individual.   Since I started this blog I have learned that the "right" decision for me will always change.What is right for me now may not be right for me in two years or even in two months. Letting go of the idea that the decisions I make today are permanent was life changing.  When I decided to return to medications along with a continued alternative health/diet approach to calming my rheumatoid arthritis in August of 2010, I made the decision knowing that at any time I can change the course of my path.  The choices are mine to make - not my rheumatologist's, family's, friends's, or fellow blogger's.  I am ultimately the expert when it comes to my body and as long as I listen to what my body is asking of me at the time, the choices will always be right.

You may wonder if I found the true me when I let my natural grays fill in.  Yes!  While I started coloring my hair in an attempt to "find a sexier me", I have discovered that the grays are a good match for me.  They feel like they belong to who I am.  I have discovered that being my authentic self that feels comfortable in my own body is the sexiest thing I can do.  

When I started this blog, it was a way for me to organize my thoughts.  In my wildest dreams I never imagined all the wonderful things that would come from this simple act:

• I have met and become friends with so many wonderful people. In fact, I have a super sweet friend who seems to read my mind.  She somehow knows just when I need to share with a friend and sends an email that lifts my spirits.    
• I was invited to be a contributor for Health Central.
• I get to work with RA Guy and Lene, two of the most awesome people one could ever meet, on  projects that promote a positive spin on inflammatory arthritis - something I desperately needed four years ago. 
• On my worst days, I can share my thoughts here on my blog and within the hour I have comments that make me cry, laugh, and know that I am not alone.
•  I started two other blogs: Natural Happy Being Me, a collection of simple daily events that bring happiness to my life and Born to Learn, Free to Learn, a blog that chronicles my philosophy and experiences about unschooling, an alternative form of homeschooling. 

Thank you to each of you who has read, commented, and shared my blog with others.  I have learned much from so many of you!  Good luck on your own adventures, enjoying the simple everyday beauty of life.  

Cathy   

Mindless Eating

Shortly before rheumatoid arthritis became a part of my family's life, I was heading down a path to better nutrition.   A friend of mine had introduced me to Weston A Price and I began making more of my own foods at home and for the most part removed processed foods.  We also started buying all of our meat, eggs, and milk from a farmer that raises animals outside eating grass and getting the sunshine all animals should receive.  We also joined a CSA where the kids and I volunteered.  We are still known by the farmer as his lettuce cleaners.  Making food for my family turned from being a chore to being a small gift that I could give them two to three times a day.  When I eat "clean", I feel good.  I feel connected to the earth and feel that we are making choices that not only nourish us, but also nourish our earth.  This is what I consider mindful eating.

This all sounds wonderful, right?  When you eat "clean" and eat foods which actually come from a place and person you know you feel awesome.  Sitting down to the table knowing where every piece of food came from provides huge rewards.  While eating you think, "I will never stray away from this type of diet."  The problem is that I have a food enemy called gluten free pizza.  We have searched long and hard and finally found two places that serve gluten free pizza that tastes good. When I am eating this pizza, all of life seems perfect.  I love the tastes of pepperoni, sausage and black olives mixed with tomato sauce and cheese. Since I rarely eat grains, I love the texture of the crust.  I eat way more than I ever eat on an average night.  I forget that I will wake up numerous times during the night thirsty, bloated, and overall feeling sick.  I just eat.   This is what I call mindless eating. Mindless eating doesn't agree with me physically or mentally.

Every time I eat pizza I promise myself I won't have it again for a really long time.  We end up spending a lot of money just to feel awful.  The pizza problem occurs when I haven't planned ahead.  I knew yesterday was going to be a long day and we would get home just as everyone was starving.  Plus, I left the house hungry which made things even worse.  I knew I should have prepared the hamburger patties we planned to grill, I knew I should have cut the sweet potatoes we planned to turn into fries, and I knew I should have bought the wood chips needed for the grill before we left the house for many hours.  When I am mindful of our food, I do these things.  When I am not, we eat gluten free pizza and then I suffer.  I am mindless and I suffer the consequences all night and the following day.

Today, I am mindful.  I cooked two eggs in bacon grease for breakfast.  I have wild caught salmon and veggies in the refrigerator for lunch with ingredients to make guacamole if I so desire.   And for dinner, Alexander plans to make Puerto Rican Beef, one of our favorite meals, since I will be out tutoring all afternoon.  Today we will eat mindfully and enjoy the positive consequences.    

Do Something Scary!

Frequently do something that scares you but can be done safely. 

  ~ MovNat

I read this quote on Facebook this morning and was instantly flooded with images of doing things that scare me.

• When Sophia was only four weeks old we picked up and moved from Kansas to Illinois.  If leaving my family and friends wasn't enough, I also had committed to being a stay at home mom rather than an elementary school teacher and on top of that, our income decreased by a lot.  Scary!  
• When my son was five years old we listened to the school bus drive by our house without him!  We were heading down a path of not only homeschooling, but an alternative type of homeschooling known as unschooling.  We knew absolutely no other families at the time following this path.  It was both exciting and terrifying to hear the bus drive by without my son.  Almost 11 years later - this is by far one of the best choices I have ever made.
• In January I was without one of my teaching assignments which meant I was out of money we counted on.  With my mom and husband's reassurance, I took plenty of deep breaths and saw myself moving forward with other professional goals.  This has led to private tutoring with many positive people (which I needed at the time too) and a future assignment at a community college I have been trying to get into for years! 
• When I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis I chose to follow an integrative/alternative path. I searched for a naturopath and made food choices that were different than anyone I knew of at the time.  It was scary at the time because I knew I was making huge changes not only for myself, but for my family and these choices were not going to be reversible. (In my opinion once you treat yourself well with nourishing foods, good sleep, and low stress you don't want to return to what you had before.)  Eight years later, the scary choices I made for myself and my family are definitely not reversible and I am so happy for that!  I have made HUGE food choices that are so different from how we ate eight years ago and I have met the most amazing people that share my love for nutritious food.
• During a flare a few years back I was standing at the overhead projector teaching a class when I realized my knees had stiffened up to a point they wouldn't move.  I felt panic as visions of myself falling forward in front of a class of 20 some students made its way to my mind.  I took a deep breath, assigned my students to a group assignment that would take their attention away from me and then used the tables and chairs around me to scoot myself around until my knees loosened up.  Scary! 
• As my rheumatoid arthritis has improved over the last year and a half, I have tackled many things I worried may never be part of my life again - bike riding with my family, weights, long hikes, a clean house, energy for my family and myself, etc.  With each obstacle that I have challenged myself to, I have felt exhilaration knowing that I had overcome a fear and because of that, had brought myself to a greater place in life.  

What have you tried that is scary?

How Long Does It Take For RA Maturity?

Many times over the years we have been told by fellow border collie owners that this breed of dog doesn't hit maturity until around five years old.  By five they start to calm down. It is true. As Izzy hit the five year mark this year we have seen incredible changes in her maturity levels.  She is calmer, more patient. We no longer need to crate her off in a part of the house in fear of coming home to shoes chewed and items knocked off countertops.  We no longer have to give her an extra walk if we plan to be out for extra hours during the day in fear that she won't sleep through the night.  We no longer have to worry about her taking off with the kid's personal items as she now acknowledges that she is not allowed in their bedrooms and will stand at the doorway and wait for me when I go into their rooms. She will often walk past dogs on walks and almost shrug as if she has no interest in them where she once needed to lunge and bark at every one of them. It is almost like she has finally had the same experiences enough times that she no longer needs to react to each of them as passionately as she did as a pup.

Last week was a tough one for me as some rheumatoid arthritis pain returned to my body.  With the pain came extreme fatigue which always makes me want to hide in my bedroom alone. As usual with a flare, I panicked and felt some sadness.  I wondered to myself, "If it takes a border collie five years to mature and become calmer, how long does it take an adult human to reach maturity with rheumatoid arthritis?"  For me it has been eight years and I know that I have not yet reached maturity.  I have grown and show signs of working towards maturity, but I am not there yet.  I still throw little tantrums and still find it hard to share my feelings with my husband as a flare is in session, but I also no longer go on the internet and torture myself about what "might" happen to me in the future.  I no longer hide in my bedroom crying huge tears of fear.  I no longer feel the need to talk about my pain in long drawn out conversations or even "prove" to friends that this is a real disease.

 I have matured over these eight years.  These days when a flare hits I begin making plans to find open spots of time to relax and rest.  I shed a few gentle tears of acknowledgement that rheumatoid arthritis is a part of my life for keeps, even if I don't want it to be.  I remind myself over and over that the best thing about RA is that even though the the pain in certain joints feels like it will never leave my body, it always does.  My job is to take deep breaths and let the fear out.  I do still panic but with the panic I can now remind myself that I have had enough experience with flares to know my own strength.  I accept that I can handle whatever comes my way.  I am strong.

Slowly but surely I have matured over eight years.  Just as I see signs of Izzy maturing, I see signs of myself maturing.  Neither one of us is quite there completely and may possibly never be, but we are both definitely on the road to not being so reactive to situations that we have experienced over and over.  For now I am happy with the progress both of us have made.  I like that Izzy is still playful and keeps me on my toes. I am glad she hasn't matured to a point that she won't engage me in a game of "chase".  For me, I am glad that I still have feelings of fear because if I didn't......hmmmm......I don't know what that would mean but it doesn't seem good.  Rheumatoid arthritis is something to be feared.  Plus, the fear often challenges me to move forward and look for ways to change and grow.  Deepak Chopra says, "The best thing that can happen to me is happening right now."  I may not understand how or why this flare is happening right now but I do accept there is a reason for it.  My mantra is, "This flare is the best thing that can happen to me right now."  Saying it over and over makes me calm knowing that I am right where I need to be now so that I can be where I need to be later.  I am maturing with my rheumatoid arthritis and even though I don't have a complete maturity level yet, I am right where I need to be for now.

Have you matured with your rheumatoid arthritis or inflammatory disease?  How long did it take?  How have you matured?  Where are you in the process?    

Each Day Brings Something New

Five years ago Izzy, our border collie, came into our life and became a member of our family.  As with all new family members, adjustments had to be made.  For me, it meant waking up every morning and walking with her.  This wasn’t a big deal as I had wanted to get out and walk for a long time.  Now I had a quiet partner to join me and motivate me to do it. 

What I didn’t imagine when we started walking together was how much I would need to walk.  For me, walking has become a way to get my joints moving in the morning on both good and bad days.  Walking has become my way of meeting and talking with neighbors I generally wouldn’t know.  Walking has become a way to let my mind and all of its thoughts find peace and understanding.  Walking has become a way to connect with nature and all of its beauty.  I don’t think that five years ago I would have imagined that a suburban neighborhood had so much nature to share, but it does.  Some days Izzy and I stop and watch squirrels chase each other up and down trees, we run as fast as we can and scare away the geese that are littering our paths, we experience the elements, we watch the leaves change from fall to winter and back to spring, and most mornings we feel and see the sun. 

Last week was all about the sun for me.  The sun is now rising as I take my walk in the morning and it has grabbed hold of me and as nature tends to do has asked me to stop and reflect.  Each new sunrise last week was a different experience.  The photos I took show how different each day started even though it was the same sun.  It reminded me of my own life.  Each day starts with me, but each day brings something new.  It is up to me to stop, look, and find the differences of one day to the next. 

Last week brought some pain in my left knee that I haven’t experienced in a while.  It also brought fear and panic.  Every task I was met with last week seemed overwhelming and draining.  But each day that I walked and was met by the sunrise of the day, I was reminded that this day doesn’t have to be the same as the day before.  New possibilities are always in our horizon.  Remembering that a day, a week, or even a month of pain/hurting doesn’t mean that the next day will bring the same.   The only constant is me.  I can always count on that.  Everything else is a mystery waiting to be experienced and lived.   The sun and all that nature provides for me on my daily walks reminds me to look for the beauty in myself despite the pain or frustration I may be feeling.  

My sweet Izzy always finds something new with each day.  It may be a new smell, a new friend, a new enemy or a treat.  Last week she discovered a Dairy Queen sundae bowl on our path.  She picked it up and started carrying it home.  She kept hold of it for about 1/2 mile before she finally let it go.  The next day it was in the same spot as she had left it the day before.  She carried it again but this time when she dropped it she licked the inside as quickly as she could before I could pull her away.  

Rheumatoid Arthritis Fears

My relationship with rheumatoid arthritis has been extremely good this last year.  I have a few reminders here and there that it is still a part of my life, but for the most part it isn't a daily concern.  I haven't experienced a flare in a really long time and I no longer wake up stiff and sore. In fact, I can't think of any physical restrictions I have these days due to rheumatoid arthritis.

Due to this good relationship with rheumatoid arthritis, I have been working out regularly for the last year.  It feels good to have weights in my hands again and it feels awesome to feel muscles returning to my body.  Some mornings I wake up and think, "Maybe I will skip my workout today and sleep in instead."  This is when my mind remembers the relationship I have had with rheumatoid arthritis and the fears resurface.  My  brain sharply tells me, "Cathy, you have limited time before RA comes back and snatches you away.  You need to get strong NOW."

It is true, rheumatoid arthritis may come back to get me at any time.  I do acknowledge that and honestly, it scares the pants off me. Sometimes I need to cry, as I did this morning, and let those feelings of fear exist.  Other mornings I am able to push the fears aside and visualize myself healthy forever.  I like those days better.  

Visualization is Key

To me, visualizing yourself as HEALTHY is the number one thing you can do for yourself when dealing with a chronice disease like rheumatoid arthritis.  My journey with rheumatoid arthritis has gone in many directions: medication, accupuncture, diet, supplements, physical therapy, and much more.  The one thing that has remained constant through my journey is me seeing myself as healthy.  Without that visualization, I don't believe I would be feeling as good as I do these days. 

Despite the pain I have felt in the past, visualizing myself healthy doing the things I love to do kept me going each and every day.  Sometimes the intensity and length of time the pain stayed with me blocked my ability to visualize myself healthy and my family needed to step in and visualize for me until I could do it alone again.  I remember feeling extreme pain yet a smile growing on my face as I saw myself once again do big things bike riding and taking long walks with my border collie or smaller things like jumping out of bed in the morning without stiff joints or taking a bath again without my husband having to be home to get me out.  Visualize yourself in a healthy place.  Draw pictures of yourself doing it, take pictures of things you want to do, do whatever it takes to keep that picture in your mind and look at it often.   I sincerely believe that we become what we visualize.    

Here are some posts I wrote while at different places on my journey related to visualization:
Visualization is Powerful
Visualization Helps During RA Panic Moment
Going in a Good Direction
Knee Cap
Epigenics and Our Health

What do you visualize your healthy self doing?   

Preparing For Work Week

Last week I returned to teaching two ESL (English as a Second, Third, Fourth and sometimes even Fifth Language) classes.  One class is in the morning and the other at night.  Although I LOVE my long breaks from work, it is nice to be back following a regular schedule and seeing the students I love. 

Before heading back on Tuesday night, I decided to spend some time getting things in place for the week.  I cleaned out my two book bags and everything is now organized,  I took a pair of pants in to have the snap replaced, and I replenished my personal hygiene products. 

By replenish I mean I made my own products. You may think making your own personal hygiene products is a time consuming project.  It's not.  The amount of time I spent making these products took less time than I have spent reading the ingredients on the back of the products.  Plus, these ready made products end up costing a lot more than making them.

First I replaced my small Rubbermaid container of coconut oil that I use as a moisturizer and eye make-up remover and then I made my hairspray and deodorant.  What I have found in making a few of my own personal hygiene products is that I feel nourished when making them.  This may sound strange but when I am making them I feel as if I am spending a little quality time on myself and I like that feeling. 
 
Slowing down and finding time to spend on myself has been a slow process but one that I really enjoy.  Just as I have discovered over the years that cooking meals for my family is not a chore but a small gift of myself that I can give to them each day, making my own personal hygiene products is a small gift I can give to myself.  Not only do I feel safe using the products I have made myself because I know what is going into the products, but I also like knowing that I am spending time on something that is just for me.  I feel as if I am pampering myself. 
 
What do you do to prepare for your work week?

Paleo/Primal Diet: Does it Help Rheumatoid Arthritis? - Health Central

There is often controversy as to whether or not diet is helpful in treating rheumatoid arthritis and other autoimmune diseases. Many folks believe there is absolutely nothing to what you consume while others believe it is what will save them. After years of trial and error with diet, I am no longer convinced it is going to save me from rheumatoid arthritis, but I definitely believe it plays a huge part in how I feel.

To read the rest of this post and other great posts on rheumatoid arthritis, please visit Health Central.

Minimalist Shoe Experience will Continue

Last year for Christmas I received my first pair of Vibram Five Fingers.  When I opened them I was both excited and scared.  I was excited to implement all I had read about minimalist shoes and barefoot walking but also afraid that my my rheumatoid feet wouldn't be able to handle these expensive shoes that offered no support. 

As this photo shows my minimalist shoe/barefoot walking experiment was a success.  In less than one year I wore a hole in my first Vibram Five Fingers KSO Treks.  At first I was disappointed that they wore out so quickly, but my husband reminded me that I also put a lot of miles on them in a short time.  (Yay for 2011 being a great year for my joints!)

Thanks to my generous husband Steve I received my second pair of Vibram KSO Trek's for Christmas this year.  I won't be able to wear them for many months due to the cold temperatures, but my feet are looking forward to spring already.

In the meantime, here is the new pair of winter boots I bought.  Thanks to Zappos I was able to order multiple pairs of boots and send them back free of shipping charges!

Each boot I returned either caused my toes to hurt or my foot to go numb.  Finally I found a pair that seems to meet my unique needs: my feet and ankles don't go numb, my toes don't hurt, there is plenty of toe room, they are waterproof, and they are very warm. (Temperatures in Chicago haven't been extreme yet but hopefully they will hold up to the challenge.) 

I am now the proud owner of my first pair of UGGS.  Although these boots don't allow for the freedom I have in my VFFs,  I felt attracted to them one day when my daughter's friend was visiting.  I saw her UGGs sitting by the door after I had just returned yet another set of boots.  I had a strong desire to put my foot into her boot.  (Shhhh.....please don't tell.)  They felt so warm and cozy I knew I had to find a pair for myself.  Mine of course are more outdoorsy and not quite as stylish but they are exactly what I need for my long winter walks with Izzy. 

Here's to 2012 being a year of less foot pain and lots and lots of walking outdoors!    

I'm so Smart: My Response to Raynaud's disease

Winter and morning walks are not a good combination for Raynaud's disease.  However, the many benefits of getting outside everyday and moving outweigh the side effects.   The other morning I was out for my walk with Izzy.  I was dressed in layers and had on my warm winter gloves.  However, about half way through the walk I could feel the tips of my fingers getting really cold.  Rather than go into a panic which sometimes happens when they get this cold, a super smart idea came to me, "use your body."  I took off my gloves and placed my hands on my warm stomach.  Of course my stomach wasn't too pleased at first but within a few minutes my hands were toasty again and I was able to put my gloves back on and head home without a problem.  Thank you stomach for staying so warm and helping my fingers.

Need for Positive on Blog

For some reason it is always unsettling to me when the last post on my blog is one that makes me sad.  The sides effects of Arava make me sad and have been weighing heavily on me lately.  Each time I come to my blog I see that post and it only makes the situation more frustrating for me. My blog is a place for me to share my experiences, good and bad, but I like coming to my blog and getting encouragement from the last post.  So, here are a few quotes that have inspired me lately:

Now is possibly the time to move forward with your dream so see this as a big adventure and enjoy it.  All will be well. ~My Mom

Nothing is more empowering than when you become inspiring to yourself. ~ MovNat

 

That's funny, an RA sushi restaurant  ~  Sophia, in response to a sushi restaurant we saw yesterday named RA Sushi _______(I can't remember the rest of the name).  Funny that we can't look at the letters R and A together without thinking of rheumatoid arthritis.

Side Effects of Arava???

Shortly after switching from Methotrexate to Arava, I had a few things happen that I haven't experienced in years.  First, I developed a nasty rash on my face.  From my early teen years until I went gluten free eight years ago, a rash appeared on my face every fall and stayed until spring.  Nothing seemed to help.  Once I went gluten free, I never experienced the facial rash again, until a few months ago.  Fortunately the rash has once again disappeared.  (Perhaps there is gluten in the Arava which would also explain the pain I have had in my feet and the swelling in my wrist.  Hmmm....something to check into.)

The other thing from my past that returned was a wart.  My body has always had an attraction to warts for some reason.  Sounds lovely doesn't it?  Deformities, nodules, rashes, and warts - quite attractive.  A friend suggested that maybe the Arava weakened my immune system and allowed these things from the past to return.  Anyhow, I contacted my naturopath and she suggested putting castor oil on my wart each night and wrapping a banage around it.  It is almost completely gone!  I love when home remedies work.   

Arava has also brought a lot of hair shedding which I am not happy about at all.  I did look back through my blog and found that when I started back on methotrexate I had a lot of hair shedding too and it eventually slowed down.  I am hoping the same thing happens with Arava. 

One more weird thing that has happened since switching meds is that the rash from Enbrel has returned at the injection site.  Not only that, I keep getting bruises around the injection site.  I know, I am sounding more and more attractive all the time. Deformities, nodules, warts, rashes, and bruises!  Oh my!  That's fine, my beautiful smile makes up for it, right?    

Vibram Five Fingers at Work

Yesterday morning I planned to wear my Vibram Five Fingers while driving to class and then change into my Dansko clogs before heading into the building.  But when I got to school, I couldn't make the change.  My feet have been so sore lately that I just couldn't bring myself to put on shoes that I knew were going to create more pain when I didn't really need to.  So, I kept the VFFs on and made my way to my classroom.

At first it appeared that nobody noticed my brown ape like feet gloves.  Then, in the middle of presenting a lesson I heard, "Teacher, I LOVE your shoes."  Of course, all 20 sets of eyes moved down to my feet.  I blushed.  One student immediately recognized how comfortable they must feel and wanted to know where she could buy a pair for herself.  Another student said, "Teacher, I thought you forgot to put your shoes on today." 

I admitted that I was a little embarrassed wearing my VFF to school and shared how the pain in my feet has been pretty extreme lately and these shoes were about the only thing I could wear for a long period of time.  My students were very sympathic, "Teacher, don't worry."

Now that the initial embarrassment of everyone recognizing my "weird" shoes is over, I will not hesitate to wear them to this class the rest of this semester. (Too bad I can't wear them to all my classes.) My feet are just happier in them. 

*I mentioned that my right VFF has a hole in it that can't be repaired.  It is getting worse, but for now I taped the inside of the shoe with duct tape and it seems to be doing the trick.  Also, according to Weather.com, the last few mornings it has "felt like" 25 F outside when I head out for my walk.  I have been surprised that my feet are handling the cold in these very light shoes.  When I get home, my feet are about as cold as my hands with gloves, which have also improved.  Not bad.  My Raynaud's syndrome has definitely improved over the last few years.  Perhaps this improvement comes from diet, contrast showers, or possibly from the medications.  Whatever it is, I like it!!!!

Foot Pain Blame: Rheumatoid Arthritis or Shoes?

Rheumatoid arthritis gets blamed for a lot of my aches and pains and although I know that it plays a huge part in this recent round of foot pain, I have decided to give RA a break from the constant blame and instead put the blame of my foot pain on my SHOES.  To read more, visit my contributing post at MyRaCentral.

Vibram Five Fingers VS Merrell Barefoot Shoe

Throughout the summer months I was mostly barefoot or wearing my Vibram Five Fingers.  The results of wearing little to no shoes have been amazing.  My feet not only look stronger but my not so cute hammertoes actually look as if they are straightening out.  (This observation came unsolicited from my husband and I totally agree.)  The greatest result - little to no pain in my feet, ankles, and legs over the summer months.

Along comes September and I am out of shorts and back to business casual clothing.  This also means I am back to wearing shoes.  My feet aren't happy.  In fact, they have been protesting loudly.  When I slip my feet into my supportive Dansko sandals or clogs, my toes begin to scream within the first hour.  I can feel my hammertoes trying to curl up even more than they are already.  I feel bad for the little things.  I try to give them as much relief as possible by wearing sandals rather than the clogs so that they can wiggle around throughout the day, but they still aren't happy.  

I decided last week to break down and buy another pair of shoes.  Although I most likely won't be able to get away with wearing my Vibram Five Fingers to work, I might be able to get away with wearing Merrell's Mary Jane barefoot shoe to work.  My son Alexander owns a pair of the Merrell barefoot shoes and really likes them.  I felt hopeful.

I ordered the shoes and wore them out the first day feeling optimistic.  My daughter was happy that I was out of the VFF when we went shopping as they are a little embarrassing to her.  They felt light weight like the VFF and I could right away tell that my hips and knees were going to like them.  However, after shopping with Sophia, I got into the car and immediately took the shoes off.  I couldn't keep them on my feet one more minute.  My toes hurt and the rest of my foot felt numb.  I had such hope that these minimalist shoes would feel as good on my feet as my VFF, but in the end, the results were the same as with my supportive Danskos.  So, they are being returned.  

By the way, I took my VFF to a shoe repair store and they can't fix the hole.   I am sad but determined to keep wearing them until they can't be worn any longer. 

Breast Cancer: My Personal Journey Away from the Pink Ribbon

Around the time I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis in 2004, I was beginning to realize the connection between how the foods that enter our body contribute to how we feel and possibly even to the diseases that our bodies take on.  I began searching for food choices that eliminated artificial food colorings and preservatives, hormones, and other undesirable ingredients.  I wanted to make choices for my family and myself that not only nourished us, but also kept us as far from disease as possible.   Researching food choices eventually lead me to researching safer personal products for my family and me.  To read more, visit my post at MyRACentral. 

115/36/44

This Saturday marks my 44th year of life! Wow! 44 years old. I know most women my age choose not to share their real age, but I am proud to be 44. I am proud to be exactly where I am right now.

When I was 36 years old I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. At 36, my body quickly went from being an active mom with young kids to a woman who physically felt like a 70+ year old woman. I struggled to get out of bed each morning and often required the assistance of my children to help  me undress at night.   

Looking back now I can see where rheumatoid arthritis was slowly showing its face. I remember working out and thinking, “I must not have stretched enough because my knee is really sore.” However, the symptoms that lead me to getting a rheumatoid arthritis diagnosis and began the roller coaster of pain and stiffness in my body began with my fingers. I went to bed and woke up several times throughout the night unable to move my fingers. They would swell up. I was confused. I kept trying to think back over my days to see if I could figure out what I had done to make my fingers so sore.

I rarely go to the doctor but something told me my sore fingers weren’t right. My family physician gave me a prescription which I took and within ten days I was back in his office because the prescription wasn’t helping. In fact, I felt worse. He put me on prednisone.  My family physician isn’t one to wait on sending me to a specialist so an appointment with a rheumatologist was scheduled for four months into the future.

What I remember the most about the four months of waiting for my appointment was the quick decline my body went through. Paperwork from the rheumatologist’s office was sent as soon as the appointment was scheduled and I dutifully filled everything out right away. When my appointment time arrived, I reviewed all the symptoms and remember feeling extreme panic at where I now was. The pain and swelling was no longer confined to my fingers but I now could barely walk on my feet because the balls were so swollen. I could no longer skip down the stairs but instead took each one step by step. I found myself in tears each morning when I couldn’t open the coffee canister. I was tired. I was scared.

I have now lived with rheumatoid arthritis for almost eight years. Initially I took the medication route only. When my symptoms continued to worsen, I saw a naturopath and began an elimination diet. Working with a naturopath allowed me to wean off prednisone and cut back on my Methotrexate. I went into remission for a few years. Then I came out of remission in 2008 and went off all medications for two years. The two years I experimented without drugs and focused only on alternative methods were a tough  couple of years. However, I would repeat those years in a heartbeat. They were years that allowed me to really focus on where I want to be with this disease and most importantly to understand and accept that although I do have control over my feelings, the stress in my life, and the way I eat, I don’t have control over the flares that come as they want. August of 2010, I started on Enbrel and also tweaked my diet again by eliminating all grains, not just the gluten free ones. This last year has been amazing for me. Although I definitely still feel signs of RA in my body, I feel that my RA is managed.

I will be 44 years old this Saturday. I want to brag about my age because I went from feeling good as a 36 year old woman to feeling like a 70+ year old woman within months. After that experience, going back to 44 seems like a dream most people would kill for.

This last year has been good to me, but I have also been good to me. I know that the gift of health I have been given again is not something to be taken lightly. I know that it is a gift that can be taken away from me again at any moment and I have to live this life in the moment I have now. I have been eating in a way that not only feeds me but more importantly nourishes me. I eat grass fed cuts of meat, eggs, organic veggies and a few nuts and fruits here and there. I have returned to activities like bike rides with my family and long nature walks with my border collie that provide both fun and calm for me. I have even completed several rounds of P90X with my husband. I have uncluttered my life of many activities and people that bring stress rather than peace of mind. I have taken time to treat myself well and the results are amazing. So, on this World Arthritis Day, I feel proud to be where I am with my rheumatoid arthritis, proud of the accomplishments I have made along this journey, and excited to see where my 44th year of life takes me.

For more information about rheumatoid arthritis, check out RA Guy's 60 Second Guide To RA.

*Numbers from title: 115 = weight at onset of ra, 36 = age at onset of RA, 44 = current age

What to do? What to do?

My barefoot experiment this year has been fun and very rewarding.  I have discovered that when my feet are free to move, they feel better.  Without shoes I am often wiggling my toes throughout the day rather than keeping them confined in a shoe all day without any movement.  On rare occasions lately that I have worn socks and shoes I noticed that my toes are stiff when I take them off, as if they forgot in one short day how to move.  I spend some time retraining them but then experience shooting pain throughout the night.

My barefoot experiment has shown me that I need to be able to allow my feet to have as much movement as possible.  Since I can't go barefoot at work and doubt my VFF will be approved for work, I decided several months ago that the next best thing would be to wear my sandals as often as possible, perhaps even changing into them at work on really cold days.  That way I can keep my toes moving the 9-10 hours I spend on my feet teaching some days. 

Well, my brilliant idea was challenged late last week when we received an email from our new manager (I work at schools and this is the newer school I teach at which I don't like so well) that open toed shoes are not permitted because they are not "professional".  Unlike many women, I have a limited number of shoes.  I buy well made shoes that are expensive but buy very few of them.  I have a pair of Dansko sandals that are open toed, two pairs of Ecco sandals that are open toed, Dansko clogs, Merrell snow boots that look like tennis shoes, and my Vibram Five Fingers.  My choices are pretty limited.  Throughout the winter I wear my Dansko clogs everyday but found that last winter the socks and shoe mixture wasn't working and I often sat down so that I could slip my feet out of my shoes and try to wiggle my toes a little bit. 

I have only taken one day off work due to rheumatoid arthritis in the last eight years and that was when I tried sulfasalzine and realized I have an allergy to sulfa.  I was covered in a rash from the top of my head to the bottoms of my feet along with a fever and headache.  Otherwise, I have always made it into work despite how awful I may have felt.  I never wanted RA to be an excuse I used.........until yesterday. 

Yesterday I called my rheumatologist and asked for a note stating that I can wear open toe sandals.  The nurse said she would check on it and within ten minutes called back and said they were mailing the note right away.  All the sudden I felt guilty.  I felt like I was taking advantage of the situation with my illness.  I wondered if I was making the right choice.  My other employer has been very accepting of my diagnosis, but I have never shared my diagnosis with this employer because I haven't needed to since I have felt pretty good since working there but also because I don't trust this employer.  The overall feeling there is negative from the way they treat their employees to the way they treat the students.  So, I now have a dilemma.  Do I give my doctor's note to my employer and open myself up to them knowing about my rheumatoid arthritis or do I suck up my new idea and wear socks and shoes despite how they make my toes feel?         

Rheumatoid Arthritis: Am I a Bragger? - Health Central

One year and one month ago, my life changed dramatically. I began giving myself Enbrel shots and tweaked my diet once again. The combination brought very good results for me. All the sudden I could see tiny little changes happening in my body. I was reaching up and putting dishes away without having to consider the pain that would come with this chore. I was hugging my family without wincing in pain. Soon I was walking up the stairs without any problem. Then I was riding my bike again and before I knew it, life as I had known it before rheumatoid arthritis was a part of me again.  To read more of this post, visit MyRACentral.