Body Image with Menopause and Medications

I remember sitting at our neighborhood pool in my late thirties, early forties thinking this is “the BEST” age to be a woman.  As I looked around at all the women at the pool, my eyes were drawn first to young teenagers with perfect bodies.  They were busy fixing their swimsuits just so wondering if they were too fat, too skinny, too pale, or whatever else teens think their bodies are “too ________”.  I knew they would one day look back at their teen pictures and be amazed at how beautiful they were even if they couldn’t see it now. Then I noticed the women my age.  They walked confidently in their swimsuits chasing after kids aware that they had stretch marks, cellulite, and bits of chubbiness here and there.  Somehow they seemed confident in their bodies knowing that they had changed physically, mentally, and emotionally due to childbirth, jobs, and the aging process. As I lounged on my chair, I too felt confident in my body.  It wasn’t perfect, but it held up well despite rheumatoid arthritis taking a stab at it each and every day. I was eating well, exercising when I could and it had paid off. I was satisfied, maybe even a little proud of the body I had.

Then came new medications and the beginning stages of menopause.  Almost immediately after starting Enbrel, I got my physical life back in addition to 15 extra pounds.  Feeling good, I added on hours to my work schedule which also increased my time sitting.  Over the last five years or so, I have put on another 10 pounds.  I wish I could say I am okay with it, but I am not. I have become that person that cringes when I see photos of myself.  When I look at myself in the mirror, I see a strong woman who has raised two beautiful children, been a good wife of 28 years, a patient/loving teacher, and struggled with rheumatoid arthritis for 12 years.  I don’t see the fat until I see a photo of myself or a pair of “big” pants become too tight. 

From what I have read, I am not alone in body image issues when transitioning into menopause.  Many women experience extra fat, especially in the stomach, as they make the change.  I wish knowing that I wasn’t alone made me feel better, but it doesn’t.  Some days I feel six months pregnant with engorged breasts (yes, those have grown too). When I was thirty years old, that was exciting.  At 48, it isn’t.  I don’t know what the answer is. Some days I work really hard to focus on everything that is beautiful about my physical body and find some success.  Other days, I feel hopeless. Why even try? It doesn’t seem to matter what I eat or how much I move.  But, I don’t want to look at photos with my family and see only my size, I have too many of those where I can see the pain I felt from RA that day. I want our photos to represent the fun, pride, excitement of the day. I wish I knew the answer. 

Help! How do you deal with body image?     

Staying Active is the Goal

For the majority of my adult life, I have taken pride in the fact that I am physically active. I worked out throughout my two pregnancies and even made time for it when my children were young and I had to workout with them on top of me. During some of my worst rheumatoid arthritis days, I did what I could. Staying active was always the goal.  However, in the last few years, I've really struggled with motivation.  I feel strong when I complete the workouts that I once craved, but they just don't motivate me anymore.  At one time, carving out an hour of my day to workout excited me, now it feels like my time is being robbed.  I finally decided that I am tired of being angry with myself for not working out.  It was time to find out "why" I am not motivated.  The answer came last weekend.

Most likely the answer has been coming to me slowly, but it all made sense last week.  My husband and I took our bikes to a forest preserve that we ride in frequently.  It was crazy full of bike and running teams. We decided to skip this site and move on to a more remote bike path that we haven't ridden in for years.  I was in love.  I didn't want the ride to end.  We stopped and watched a deer for a while, and basically just took in the beauty all around us.  I was rather pleased with my endurance up the steep hills and loved the nature all around us. This is when the answer came to me.  I have entered a new phase of my life called midlife. My needs are different now. The reason I am not motivated to wake up early and get started on a workout routine is because it no longer meets my needs. I now need movement that also nourishes my relationships, my spirituality, or has a purpose.  For years I woke up early and participated in high paced workouts and loved them.  Now, I wake up and look forward to heading out for a long walk with my border collie no matter what the weather is like. I've realized over the years that I look forward to the sound of birds in the morning like some people do to the release of a new song. I laugh out loud some mornings as I watch two squirrels chase each other up and down trees. People are friendly in the morning and say "hi". I like that short interaction with my neighbors.  Before starting dinner, I head out again for a shorter walk.  This walk generally allows my mind to find calm from the day.  During the day, I like to do yoga type moves that allow me to focus on the needs of my body.  Lately, I've had stiff ankles that have required a little more attention.  I look forward to Fridays when I have the day off and mow our large yard. Afterwards, I spend time trimming branches and weeding. This type of exercise is something I can appreciate for the next few days as I look out my window. I'm one of those weird people that enjoy shoveling snow and raking leaves especially if it is with my husband or son. I like the rhythm of these jobs.  On the weekends, I want to get on my bike and ride side by side with my husband. This is when we have some of our very best conversations. At work,  I try to integrate exercise into my day. I walk the four flights of stairs every work day and often take a short stroll during break to get outside, clear my mind, and stretch my legs. I wear my Fitbit constantly and make sure I hit my goal every day. I use it as my guarantee I am not being a couch potato.    

When I take an honest look at what I am doing, I do indeed get exercise. Am I going to win any competitions with this type of exercise, look like a model, or achieve some out of the ordinary achievement? No, but I never was before either.  That has never been my goal. But, the exercise I am getting right now fits who I am right now and that is the best type of exercise. On the days I work, I work long hours on my feet engaging 100% with other people. For an introvert, this is highly exhausting. On my days off, I need activities that fill me with energy again and what I am doing accomplishes that. I don't want to say I am an old gal, but I do realize I am in a new phase of my life and with that comes changes that I want to embrace.  I now want the physical activity I participate in to be meaningful.  Doing a 45-60 minute exercise class no longer accomplishes that need.  Spending an hour or more mowing the lawn (I don't use a self-propelled mower) does. My needs have changed both physically and mentally with age.  I've been struggling with myself because I have been trying to get my body to fall back into workout routines that are outdated for me and no longer satisfy my needs. Staying active is still the goal, but now it requires the elements of spirituality and purpose to complement it.

Are You There God? It's Me, Cateepoo.

Do you remember reading "Are You There God, It's Me Margaret?" by Judy Blume?  I'm Margaret, only an adult version and instead of anxiously waiting for puberty, I often wonder if there are any "I must, I must, I must increase my bust" exercises I can do to hurry the menopause process along.

Now that I have found myself in one of the many stages of menopause, a memory from my first year of teaching elementary school keeps coming to mind.  The gal across the hall from me was my age now.  She'd often come over and say, "I had an accident.  Can you see anything on the back of my skirt?"  I was of course helpful, but in my 23 year old head I was saying, "Geez, at your age you would think you had the whole period thing figured out." HA!  Life has come to bite me in the butt.  What I am figuring out is that menopause is much like going through puberty all over again.  Your period chooses not to follow a predictable schedule, your physical body becomes unrecognizable, and your hormones have a life of their own. No matter what the temperature outside, I am always overheated in the morning.  I take my coat off in class, complain about how unbearably hot the classroom is, then remember to look up and see that most of my students are still in their coats bundled up.  Okay, it's me, not the heat.

Going through a major life change is not easy, that's for sure, but it's not all terrible. Once Margaret started her period she would automatically join "the group". Menopause is no different.  You instantly feel connected to the middle aged woman in a crowd who is also fanning herself non-stop.  While puberty left you feeling insecure about all your new feelings, the stages of menopause bring a certain calm.  You have "been there, done that" enough times that you know what you want and generally how to get it.  You have begun to enter the "bitchy old lady" stage (I often tease my mom that she is solidly in this stage) where you aren't afraid to go after what you want or tell people how you feel. You realize you don't have time for things in life that bog you down and zap your energy.  Perimenopause, which I guess technically is where I am right now,  is a very reflective stage.  You take time out of your day to appreciate the little things. You have satisfaction that your children are growing up well and you were a huge part of that process. You now have quiet nights alone with your husband which might be a little odd at first, but something you quickly grow to love.  So, maybe in the end, the benefits outweigh the annoyances and I just need to remember to go heavy on the deodorant and avoid buying the nice snugly sweaters and instead opt for cool breathable shirts.

*My mom bought me a box set of Judy Blume's books for Christmas one year.  I remember reading non-stop and feeling such a connection to the characters, even if their experiences were quite different than mine. In 6th grade, I read "Forever" and passed it around the classroom for others to read.  It was conficated and I never got it back. We used to joke that our strict elderly teacher was secretly reading it during recess.  Love my Blume year memories.