Four Years of Finding the True Me

On May 31, 2008 I wrote my first post for The Life and Adventures of Cateepoo.  At the time, I had no idea if anyone would ever read a word I wrote but I felt a strong need to put my thoughts into writing.  As I reread my first blog post, I felt tears swell as I remembered the woman I was and reflected on the woman I am today. The core of me is the same, but so much growth has occurred over the years. Here's my first post:

There have been two things I have done in the last four and a half years that I put a lot of thought into and still made a decision I wasn't completely comfortable with. I felt both decisions were going against who I really am. However, I thoughtfully made the decisions and now I am in the process of reversing those decisions.  


The first decision was made over four years ago when I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. Everything in me told me that the medications they wanted me to start on were not in my best interest. However, I was new to the alternative health world and the fear in not taking the meds took over. Within six months of being diagnosed, I saw my body go from stiff fingers in the morning to barely being able to get out of bed by myself . This wasn't the type of life I wanted for myself. It didn't feel like "me". So, I started on the meds even though they didn't feel like me either. I have been on meds for over four years now. In February, I made the choice to go off all meds!


Two years ago, in the midst of trying to find a sexier me, I decided to start coloring my hair. I was fairly comfortable with the grays that have been coming in since I was 16, but all the sudden the grays seemed wiry and out of control. I decided to just go for it and pay the consequences later. Well, I have to admit, I do like the coloring job my hair stylist does. However, every eight weeks when it is time to go for a touch-up, I see those grays coming through and think, "Oh, there I am." It feels like I keep covering up a part of who I am. A good friend of mine said, "You have earned those grays." I do believe that and I am on the road to finding my grays again! I cancelled my appointment for today and I am letting the natural me come back.


It feels liberating to be off meds (even if the alternative stuff isn't working yet) and to know that in the next year or so, I will be totally hair color free again!!! Please join me as I continue my quest for a healthy body that heals with natural herbs, vitamins and homeopathy and as I find peace with the hair I have earned.
Catepoo


The last four years have been all about discovering who I am and which decisions are right for me.  I have learned that although I share a similar disease with many wonderful people, the path I take is very individual.   Since I started this blog I have learned that the "right" decision for me will always change.What is right for me now may not be right for me in two years or even in two months. Letting go of the idea that the decisions I make today are permanent was life changing.  When I decided to return to medications along with a continued alternative health/diet approach to calming my rheumatoid arthritis in August of 2010, I made the decision knowing that at any time I can change the course of my path.  The choices are mine to make - not my rheumatologist's, family's, friends's, or fellow blogger's.  I am ultimately the expert when it comes to my body and as long as I listen to what my body is asking of me at the time, the choices will always be right.

You may wonder if I found the true me when I let my natural grays fill in.  Yes!  While I started coloring my hair in an attempt to "find a sexier me", I have discovered that the grays are a good match for me.  They feel like they belong to who I am.  I have discovered that being my authentic self that feels comfortable in my own body is the sexiest thing I can do.  

When I started this blog, it was a way for me to organize my thoughts.  In my wildest dreams I never imagined all the wonderful things that would come from this simple act:

• I have met and become friends with so many wonderful people. In fact, I have a super sweet friend who seems to read my mind.  She somehow knows just when I need to share with a friend and sends an email that lifts my spirits.    
• I was invited to be a contributor for Health Central.
• I get to work with RA Guy and Lene, two of the most awesome people one could ever meet, on  projects that promote a positive spin on inflammatory arthritis - something I desperately needed four years ago. 
• On my worst days, I can share my thoughts here on my blog and within the hour I have comments that make me cry, laugh, and know that I am not alone.
•  I started two other blogs: Natural Happy Being Me, a collection of simple daily events that bring happiness to my life and Born to Learn, Free to Learn, a blog that chronicles my philosophy and experiences about unschooling, an alternative form of homeschooling. 

Thank you to each of you who has read, commented, and shared my blog with others.  I have learned much from so many of you!  Good luck on your own adventures, enjoying the simple everyday beauty of life.  

Cathy   

Be Who You Are and Your Natural Beauty Shines!

When I make a choice for myself, I am generally pretty committed to that choice because for me, it feels right. I don't worry too much about what other people think because I know that I have to be comfortable in my own skin to be happy.

In 2008, after two years of coloring my graying hair, I stopped cold turkey.  It never felt like "me" to color my hair.  I personally don't think there is anything wrong with a person coloring their hair, it just wasn't the right choice for me. At the time I was and still am trying to reduce all chemicals that enter my body and I believe anything that goes on my skin is as harmful as ingesting it. But most importantly in my decision making was that coloring my hair just didn't feel right to me. It didn't feel like I was being true to what I wanted for myself.  So, I stopped.

Since deciding to go natural with my hair, I have had many women comment, or perhaps I should say, "apologize", for not keeping their natural color.  This makes me feel very uncomfortable. I have not made the choice to stop coloring my hair so that I can stand in judgement of others, I do it because it feels right for me.  In fact, I often think women that color their hair look very attractive.  I like the creativity that many teens and women of all ages express through their hair.  It just isn't me. 

Although I don't color my hair, I do enjoy wearing make-up.  I look for options that I feel have the least amount of chemicals, put it on my face, and enjoy it!  I don't apolgize to my friends that go without makeup when I wear it because I know I am wearing it because I enjoy wearing it.  To me our bodies are like a couch.  A couch can be totally beautiful on its own, but often we like to spruce it up a bit with some colorful pillows. My face, rather than my hair, is where I like to play around.

I think the human body provides us with a lot of creativity.  We have the option of showing our natural beauty when we want, but our body can also be a canvas for creating and exploring.  When my daughter was around two or three years old she started drawing on her body with markers which is a hobby that has continued into her teens (before that she painted her body).  One day she had pictures all over her body with marker.  I told her I was concerned about the chemicals that might leak into her body from the markers.  She looked so sad and disappointed in my response to something she obviously felt so good about.  When my husband came home he looked at her body and said something like, "Wow! Those are really cool."  She lit up!

This was a good learning lesson for me.  We all have our own desires for what we want to do with our bodies.  I know 100% that my daughter will have a tattoo when she is 18 years old.  Does that make her a person that is weak or trying to cover up her own natural beauty?  No way!  In fact, I love listening to her ideas of tattoos that she hopes to get one day mostly because I like seeing her face light up and also because she is a person that is totally sure of herself and makes no apologies for who she is or what she wants.  How could I not admire that?

Our bodies are our very own and however creative we want to get with them is a very personal choice depending on who we are and where we are in life.  No person should ever apologize for being who they are.  If you love being completely free of hair coloring, make-up and other body creations - do it!  If you love coloring your hair - do it!  If you love wearing make-up as I do - do it!  If you love tattoos on your body - do it!  I would rather see a woman go to the hair salon and come out with colored hair, polished nails, tons of makeup, and a GREAT BIG SMILE of complete pleasure than someone who is avoiding what makes them feel good because they feel it doesn't fit in with the group of people or ideals they admire.  Be who you are and feel good about who you are.  That is really when our natural beauty shines!     


To see my progress from colored hair to natural hair, visit posts here and here. 

This is one of my favorite photos of Steve and myself. On this evening I dressed up, put on my makeup and fixed my graying hair for an evening out with my husband.  As I looked in the mirror, I felt beautiful and this photo reminds me of that great feeling I felt about myself and how I could see that my husband felt the exact same way.  Be who you are!

Dealing with Rheumatoid Arthritis Pain

One great thing about rheumatoid arthritis is just when you think you have hit your worst possible flare and wonder how you will ever survive it, RA, like a storm, moves on and gives you a break. It is during this time that everything about living life feels new and exciting! ~ The Life and Adventures of Cateepoo


This is a post I wrote for my personal blog some time ago. When I realized that whatever flare I was experiencing at the time would eventually come to an end, I found it easier to accept the pain because I knew it is only a short lived presence in my life.  

You can read the rest of the post here. 

Stunningly Beautiful Gray Hairs

I haven't touched on the topic of natural hair color (aka gray hairs) in a while, but wanted to share what happened today.

After coloring my hair for two years, I went totally natural - gray hairs and all. This look has felt comfortable for me. That is until a few weeks back when I saw my friend Arwen. Arwen, who went natural about the same time as me colored her hair and it looked beautiful. I see her several times a week now and with each visit I feel inspired to do something fun with my hair too.

Today after classes I looked in the mirror of my car and thought, "Maybe I should just do one of those temporary 30 day colors." Then I didn't think anything more about it and drove to Trader Joe's. As I made my way over to the produce department I noticed this stunningly beautiful woman. She was about my age but had a lot more gray hair. Like my grays, they are nice and shiny. I am embarrassed to say that I was mesmerized by her and found myself right behind her during my whole shopping trip. Finally I took the plunge, walked up to her and told her that her hair color was beautiful. She laughed and said, "Yeah, yours too." As we talked a while about hair color I found myself really checking her out. She had an attractive 40 something body, an adorable hair cut and absolutely no wrinkles on her face - not even laugh lines around the eyes, although she did look like someone who enjoys smiling. As I talked with her, I couldn't imagine any other hair color on her. It seemed to just fit her skin tone and eyes perfectly. She was absolutely beautiful.

Not all people like natural hair color, especially the gray hairs that show up before feeling ready for them, but looking at this woman today I realized that it is a look I like. Despite her many gray hairs she looked young and energetic. She was the perfect role model I needed today. Isn't life great that way?

People Are Nice

People really are nice. Yesterday I had two examples of people's niceness that made me feel good inside.

First, I entered my classroom at 8:30am greeted by a reusable cloth bag filled with a cup of tea and two apple pies from McDonald's. One of my students wanted to do something special for me. It was so sweet, especially since she remembered I drink tea and not coffee. One part of me felt this overwhelming feeling of graciousness to Marina for thinking about me on this cold morning and another part of me went into a complete panic - I couldn't eat anything she brought. Not only have we boycotted McDonald's for years but this did not fit into my diet at all and I have done so well sticking to only the foods on my list. I knew I couldn't eat it but needed to make it look as if I was. I gave Marina a big hug and let her know that I appreciated her thinking of me. The good feeling I felt yesterday that someone took the time to think of me stayed with me all day yesterday and is still with me today.

Second, last night at work our students had to fill out evaluations of their teachers so I switched classrooms with another teacher to do the evaluations. On my way out a young gal asked me if I color my hair. At first I thought, "Okay, here comes the comment about the gray highlights." But as we talked more I could tell she genuinely liked the color of my hair. Wow! I left her classroom and headed to break. While in the restroom I looked at myself and thought, "Your hair does look pretty good." As many of you know I stopped coloring my hair a while back and have been very pleased with the results!

My Natural Look is Getting Close

A year ago I made the decision to skip my hair coloring appointment and listen to my heart that kept saying, "This isn't you." I explain more about my reasons for returning to my natural hair color in Why Go Natural?

When I originally began this journey back to my natural hair color, I hoped it would be a quick process. After a year of letting it grow out and cutting my hair shorter, I still have about two-three inches of colored hair. So, maybe another six months and then I will be completely natural. It is taking longer than I hoped, but it feels like me and so far, I have received lots of positive feedback which feels good. My natural hair is darker than the colored with gray highlights - maybe not the look everyone is looking for, but it fits me.

Feeling Beautiful

Late yesterday afternoon as I pulled my cell phone out of my purse, I realized I had a message. A friend that I spent the afternoon with had called to tell me she thought my hair looked beautiful. Wow! I love hearing that! After talking with her some more, she said, "I never even see gray when I look at you, and the natural color just makes you look so naturally beautiful, because it's perfectly suited to you."

As more of my natural hair grows in and replaces the colored, I have been thinking the same thing...the natural color just seems to suit me better. I am really happy with it. In fact, while I was doing a search for pictures of the kids the other day, I saw a picture of me right before I started coloring my hair. I really liked how my hair looked. It made me think about why I colored it in the first place. It wasn't an easy decision for me. I remember asking all my friends at the time for advice and going back and forth over whether to do it or not and then have never felt completely comfortable with it. I guess it has just never felt like "me".

Sophia asked me the other day if I thought the chemicals of hair coloring had contributed to my rheumatoid arthritis. That's when it made sense. I started coloring my hair after being diagnosed. Maybe coloring my hair was my way of gaining some control over what happened to me when RA seems to take that option away from you. At the time I remember I was struggling with my hair thinning out because of the medications. Maybe as I gain more control over my RA, I don't feel the need to control other parts of my life, such as my hair.

Proximity Award

Meaning of the Award:‘This blog invests and believes in the PROXIMITY - nearness in space, time and relationships. These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in prizes for self-aggrandizement! Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propogated. Please give more attention to these writers!’

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Thanks to Sherry, my older sister and friend for this award! Through her blog I feel that we have become closer and I have learned so much about her and believe she has learned more about me through my blog.

I have to admit that I never really know what to do with awards. I feel good when I receive one, but then I feel a sense of anxiety as to whether others will appreciate it, ignore it or feel like it is a chore. So, generally, I just pass them along to family members. This time however, I decided to go outside my usual self and pass this award along to a some of my blogger friends. It has meant a lot to me to read posts and emails back and forth from these blogger friends who are sharing in many of the same life choices as me and I have been inspired by each of their stories.

It took me about four years before I could read the stories of other woman with rheumatoid arthritis because all the stories I initially read scared the pants off me. Stories of going from drug to drug and still experiencing pain. However, when I was ready to read stories again, I somehow found Jill's blog. Jill is the first woman I have met that was also trying to beat RA through alternative methods, rather than drugs. Her posts have motivated me and her emails have made me feel like I am not alone in this disease.

Melissa and I have only recently met and become friends. Melissa's blog is about RA and other amusing things in her life. Although I don't know if she sees herself as a positive person, I find her posts uplifting and her style of writing and looking at life always make me smile.

My friend Jen is both a homeschooling mom and a mom experiencing RA. On Jen's blog she shares stories of homeschooling, family life and a few on RA. She has a deep devotion to God and her family which comes out strongly in her posts.

I have been amazed at how many blogs I have been drawn to that end up sharing not only one, but many similarities in life choices as me.

Ronda's blog is about unschooling, but after emailing each other, we have found we share many other similarities in life. I really appreciate this new friendship.

On Debbie's blog you will find excellent gluten free recipes and other health related information. Debbie is also a homeschooling mom who has turned to alternative health for herself and family. You will find a lot of good information here.

On Heather's blog you will not only find gluten free information but stories of a young mom who is doing everything in her power to make sure her daughter lives a healthy life despite many sensitives. Her parenting style reminds me of myself and I find myself smiling when I read her posts about her daughter.

Last but not least, is Karen's blog which was one of the first blogs I followed and was found while doing a "gluten free" search. I have found so much more on her blog. I always look forward to her comments on my blog and have found her to be a great role model. Karen is a grandma that sold her house and now lives in an RV, traveling to new job sites and sharing her adventures. She has motivated me in family relationships, in growing out my natural hair and much more.

There are many other blogs of course that have touched me, taught me something new and made me smile. Thanks to all my blogger friends. You are each appreciated.

Do Men Find Natural Hair Color Sexy?

After coming home last week with a much needed haircut, Steve greeted me with something like, "You can really see where your natural hair color line is." I went into an instant panic, thinking, "Oh no, that must be a bad thing." I asked what he meant and he explained that the line between natural and colored is more obvious now that I am eight months and half way into the process of returning my hair to its natural color. (I actually did notice the difference between natural and colored but hoped everyone else was blind to the distinct line around my head.) But, as always, he wiped away any insecurities when he said he really likes the new colors coming in and how it just looks more natural. (That is my goal!) He reassured me that the color of hair means more to women than it does men and that he finds the cut and the way the grays are coming in very attractive. Could there be a more perfect husband than mine who always makes me feel beautiful in my weak moments? I do have to admit that I like the way it is looking too and only wish it would finish growing out faster.

I haven't searched author Anne Kreamer in a while but if you remember, I posted about her in one of my early posts and absolutely loved her book Going Gray. Here is some interesting information from a Q & A article I hadn't read yet but that confirmed what my loving husband told me.

Q: So men don't care about gray hair on women as much as we think they do?

A: The majority of men don't. If a woman's overall persona is attractive, they could care less. It's a little bit like the proverbial: Does my butt look too big? A lot of men think "We like that!" Much of our insecurities are informed by what we see in the media. We don't see very many sexy, interesting role models out there. There's Helen Mirren -- just look at her smile and sense of comfort in her body and clothes. What's not to love? The sort of images we tend to see are the 'Desperate Housewives' view of what 40 can be like, let alone 50.

Q: So you think men are more forgiving of a woman's aging process?

A: What it really boils down to is confidence, a sense of comfort in your body. Who wants to be with a person screaming a bunch of insecurities and feeling unsure of themselves? Gray hair color is a very vocal symbol of "I acknowledge who I am and I'm happy about it."

Natural Hair Update

I am now at 20 weeks without any artificial hair coloring and I love it! When you color your hair and the first strands of natural hairs start popping out at your scalp, it can be quite frightening. It looks like every strand of hair is going to age you 20+ years. However, if you are patient and open minded to what can occur, it really isn't that bad. Some of the gray strands have already started taking on a life of their own, going every which way, but that is just part of the deal. Overall, the transition hasn't been that tragic. My natural hair is coming in darker than the colored with gray highlights that personally, I kind of like. I like seeing my hair as it is naturally and knowing that I am living by my own expectations.

Guess Who Has A New Hair Cut?

That's right, it's me! And Zandy! And Sophia! On Friday we all decided to do something a little different with our hair. It was fun for all three of us to walk out with a new look. Oh, and the funny thing was when my hairdresser Jeannie asked if I was doing a coloring also. I told her "No, I am going natural again." Here is why I love Jeannie and have gone to her since we moved here nine years ago. She said, "Oh that is good. YOU are going to be so much more comfortable about that." I love that she respects who I am.

Shiny Gray Hairs are Here!

How do you like the new grays? You may be able to see the line developing in the picture of Steve, Sophia and me, but overall, I don't think it is too bad. I can feel the true me coming out again. I love it!!!! By the way, if you haven't noticed, Steve also has gray hairs coming in which I find very attractive!

Inspired by Anne Kreamer's article in MORE magazine, http://www.more.com/style/hair/gray-hair/ I decided to read her book Going Gray http://www.annekreamer.com/book.html . You may wonder the same question my husband and sister did, "How can someone write a whole book about going gray?" Well, I recommend this book to anyone over the age of 40, even if you aren't considering going gray or you are already there! Anne Kreamer has a comical, real life way of sharing not only the process of going gray, but also about aging. I keep finding myself laughing out loud as she (a married woman) shares her experiment of posting her before and after photos on Match.com and received more interest with the gray hair, going to bars to see if there is interest in women with gray hair (there is!) except at gay bars, impersonating a stay at home mom trying to get back into the corporate world with gray hair (difficult to do), visiting LA and realizing gray hair doesn't exist there, and coming to the realization that gray hair doesn't mean you can't be stylish. She visited three different image consultants that all loved her gray hair but had much to comment on her choice of clothing and shoes. She found going through her clothing and getting rid of her big-shoulder-padded suits from the 90's was almost as difficult as going without hair coloring! I still have a few chapters to read, but have found Anne Kreamer to be truly inspirational!

Why go natural?

Many may wonder why I have decided to go back to my natural hair color. Well, here are a few good reasons:

1. The skin is considered our largest organ. So, all kinds of things can be absorbed into your skin and then your body. I once heard good advice on skin products (moisturizers, makeup, shampoo, etc.). "If you can't read it, don't eat it. If you can't eat it, don't wear it."

2. My children. I have always taught my children to "listen to their bodies". If something was telling them it isn't right, then listen. I want to be a role model and follow this same advice. Putting chemicals on my body doesn't feel right. Also, I want my children to believe that aging is a beautiful process and not one to be fearful of. All the changes that are seen on our body show the world our life experiences and accomplishments. Crow's feet are really just a sign that we laughed a lot, stretch marks that we were fortunate enough to bring life into this world, and gray hairs show the wisdom we have accumulated through our life journeys.

3. Appreciation for who I have become. The other day I watched three beautiful teenagers at the pool. Their bodies were perfectly free of fat, wrinkles, cellulite, age spots, etc. Their bodies were about as perfect as they will ever be. However, I saw an insecurity in them that I don't see in middle aged and older women. They don't yet feel comfortable in their own skins. As we age, we may not be happy with what has become of our bodies, but I think we learn to know our bodies and when I see women my age and older, I see a feeling of comfort they have found with their own body. I like that.

4. Friends. I have several friends who have chose to keep their natural hair color - grays and all! They are so beautiful.

5. Reading. I read four good articles that really helped motivate me to make this choice.
http://www.more.com/style/hair/gray-hair/
http://www.more.com/sex-dating/dating/gray-haired-woman-dating/
http://www.slate.com/id/2147054/
http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2008/05/24/can-hair-dyes-give-you-cancer.aspx

6. Lastly, the expense. I am getting tired of forking over $50 every eight weeks to cover up who I really am.

Here comes the gray!

Look at the new colors coming out of my scalp! Every time I walk by a mirror, I feel this urge to bend my head over to look at the new hair. It is almost like watching a new building being erected. Here is a picture of my hair growth as of Saturday, my first missed "touch up" appointment. I was hoping there wouldn't be a lot of contrast in the colored hair and the new dark hair coming in, but I can now see that was very optimistic thinking. I will have the dreaded line around my head showing the world that I am trying to go natural.